The 2020/21 Premier League Predictions Show (Part 17)

It’s that time again – except it isn’t, that time is usually the beginning of August rather than when autumn starts throwing shitty sticks at everyone. As usual, myself and my dear friend Roger have wasted everyone’s time with our pointless tallywacker – it’s just a bit of fun, ennit.

2020/21 Premier League Predictions

1^st Man City – I think City will pip a four-way title race, probably with a game to spare and with considerably less points than recent years; this is going to be the season about the best managers with the most even squads and the top four will have those squads. Pep’s guile will see them through. They will be dynamic at times, but beatable.

2^nd Liverpool – I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re there or thereabouts for the entire season without ever being in pole position. Some teams will suss them out after a season of playing them; tactics will change against them and they will be less effective. Due an injury crisis.

3^rd Man Utd – there will be times when you think you’re watching the United of old and there will be the times when a serious title challenge looks a million miles away. They will lead for periods, but never look like winning. Solskjaer might struggle to get them as consistent as their fans would hope and that will continue to haunt him when ‘better’ managers get linked with his job.

4^th Chelsea – the inexperience will matter and despite extensive investment, Lampard will lose out to Solskjaer in the race for just 3^rd place. They will evoke memories of the past by leading the pack at times, but that will be the nature of the beast next season, I think. The top four teams of last season are still way ahead of the chasing pack and they’ve all done business or probably have enough in reserve to go another season without being seriously threatened.

5^th Arsenal – that said, Woolwich has done good business, I expect they will believe for long periods of the season that a top four place might be achievable, especially if one of those above falter, but I believe they will always be at least two wins away from catching the tail, however, this season they will (sadly) be too good for the chasing pack. Woolwich fans will be able to brag that they’re in a league of their own…

6^th Wolves – There will be no European football next season for Wolves and you would think that would play into their hands perfectly, but the race for the last European spot will have heated up more than ever and they will end up hoping one of the teams above win a cup or two, if they can’t squeeze into the last place.

7^th Tottenham – And there you have it – not 8th. That’s the level of confidence I have in my team and their poisonous has been of a manager. Nothing that has happened pre-season to make me think we have a foreskin’s chance at a circumcision of winning anything – Hojbjerg is an average alternative to what we already had, but at least it will shake things up. The imminent arrival of Wolves’ Matt Doherty at right back does little to inspire when rivals are splashing £50m on their own full back, but he does have form. Oh and… Joe Hart… FFS – who is already claiming he’s better than Hugo Lloris. I don’t believe we will play attractive football, we will draw far too many matches and be picked apart by far more adventurous teams. The hunger and passion has evaporated and we don’t see anywhere near enough of the dazzling attacking play that made us so dangerous. It will be a season of deep disappointment scarred by pointless defeats, humiliating cup exits and a growing clamour for the removal of the manager who, of course, will blame everything on someone else. Will he be sacked? It may happen if we’re mid-table and out of the EFL and Europa cups, but it depends on how much it will cost penny-pinching Daniel Levy.

8^th Everton – is the spiritual brother of Spurs - so much potential and yet so little achievement. Everton’s problem is they have a great manager and a disjointed, unbalanced squad with far too many average players. A huge amount of investment is needed and the ability to attract top players to their side. They need quality in most positions and I don’t see them getting it, just yet, however the signings of Dacoure, Allan and Hammez Rodriguez could be just what they need to get the ball rolling. They might, as I always predict, confound expectations and win a cup.

9^th Leicester – This will be a disappointing year for Brendan ‘3-2-1’ Rodgers because they just won’t be good enough to maintain the chase, especially with Europa Cup involvement and a reasonably untested squad of fringe players. Vardy might not shine as bright and I can heads dropping.

10^th Southampton – this will be classed as an achievement, but only just. The Saints will finish last in the top 10 race, but they will have a cushion over the bottom half of the table, which will, at times, have been as tight as the top. They’ll beat teams above and below, but not enough to progress the way their manager probably would expect. They need to spend money and convince players to join. Tough call.

11^th Leeds – Speaking of tough calls: what Leeds will return to the Premier League? Will it be the slick team that threatened the Champions League in 2000 or the one that sank without a trace in 2004? Marcelo Bielsa is a bit of a legend amongst other managers and this team with its youth and fearlessness will be interesting to watch. I expect they will do enough to never be threatened, too much, with relegation.

12^th Burnley – It might be time for Sean Dyche to see if he really is a top manager and to do that he needs to be offered a better job. What he achieves with his – on paper – average side harks back to Allardyce turning Bolton into players. This coming season they will have to settle for second best of the rest.

13^th West Ham – David Moyes probably isn’t the man to take this club forward and I kind of expect Eddie Howe to take over by Christmas and that would be a good fit. They will be little more than makeweights and will be fearful of losing their top players to better clubs.

14^th Sheffield Utd – forecasting second season syndrome is like shooting fish in a barrel, but many have confounded the experts and done well. The Blades need to stay in the top flight and survival is key. Their debut season was beyond expectations, but this year the board will just be happy to be in the mix for a third season in the elite. Chris Wilder, like Dyche, is a manager with a growing reputation, he might need to leave his beloved club to realise that potential.

15^th Crystal Palace – Will always find what they need to avoid being dragged into a relegation battle while always being on the fringes of it. They need to score goals. This could be Woy’s swan song.

16^th Fulham – the bane of my predicting life, them and QPR. I expect Scott Parker’s job this season is not to repeat the last time they were in the top flight and to ensure they get a second consecutive one. Will play some good football and pull off a shock or two (probably against Spurs), but will have long periods of nothing going right for them.

17^th Brighton – Perm any three from four; these will be one of the teams that will ping-pong between the bottom places and minimum safety all season – the bottom will be as tight as the top at times. They will have enough.

18^th Newcastle – The Bar Codes might find the more even playing field they had gifted to them last season might be a tad more difficult this. Unlikely to sign anyone with real quality, they will slowly drift into the drop zone more through inability to get points in key matches than through being really poor.

19^th Aston Villa – out of their depth and out of time, although a prime candidate to become the new boomerang side. The thing is they do have an advantage over teams with higher aspirations; they are Aston Villa and they’ve been champions of England and Europe inside the lifetime of many; whether they’re sleeping giants or decomposing relics is a tough one, but they won’t have enough to beat the drop this time.

20^th West Brom – I fear I won’t be the only person who puts WBA at the bottom of the heap. I do believe that all of the bottom 8 clubs will be involved in a relegation battle at some point all season, but I fear the Albion might not have the staying power and when the going gets tough they could do a Norwich.

FA Cup – Man Utd

League Cup – Everton

Champions League – Bayern Munich

Europa League – Arsenal (just to rub Spurs’ fans noses in it some more)

Cobblers – 17^th but safe.

Stenhousemuir – 5^th and battling for a play-off shot.

Meanwhile, down the road in Shoesville...

Football under Covid restrictions without crowds is like the skiing down Pavonis Mons. There’s no atmosphere, and the end is never in sight. Still it’s better than no footy at all I suppose. The tiny gap between last season and this one means I have approximately five minutes to get this done, which gives me a better excuse than usual for my wayward predictions. Here goes…

1^st - Man City – It’s them or the unmentionables, as those two are still way ahead of the rest, so I have to hope that Pep is sufficiently riled by the runaway success of them in Red down the East Lancs road, that he can steer Citeh back to the summit. Of the two title contenders Citeh have more strength in depth, is my more logical assumption. Even so, £41m for Nathan Ake?! Wotdefook?

2^nd Liverpool – Like Citeh, they have made very few additions, and shipped a few out, so it’s as you were. They are a couple of injuries away from having their burgeoning ambitions checked. I hope.

3^rd Chelsea – Of the top half clubs in this list, only two clubs have made significant additions, and in addition Chelsea have spent more than anyone. With no pre-season, it remains to be seen how those additions work out, but on that basis, and just to vary my top 4 from Phil’s, I predict 3^rd.

4^th Man Utd – Got better as the season went on, stopped, and eventually stuttered over the line. The season, not Utd. I reckon they will keep up the improvement, but I don’t think they have enough quality to go higher than 4^th. A largish gap to 5^th.

5^th Arsenal – In transfer terms, the Arse have long been stingier than their more famously tight-fisted neighbours, but looking at their acquisitions, they have done some canny business. This time their Chelsea cast-off looks like a steal. Willian has more class in his pinky than that perennially overrated lummox with the excessive hair at the back. Plus, they can’t be a crap as last season, surely?

6^th Everton – Yes, it’s another stupidly hopeful punt for my lot. Last season, Everton’s slothful excuse for a midfield were practising social distancing before it was a thing, only their safe measure was about 15 metres, leaving massive holes for any opposition with its wits about it to exploit at will.

However… Everton are second only to Chelsea in squad-altering acquisitions this term, and if (it’s a big if), Rodriguez, Allan, and Dacoure gel quickly, we have a decent team. Nowt in the way of back up, as most of last season’s deadwood is still here. Our wage bill must be eye-watering, and I wonder how we will get under the FFP radar, if my daft prediction of 6^th, and thereby European qualification comes true.

Our first game is away to Spuds, and crap as they might be, on their ground we are worse, as we haven’t won at WHL (is it still called that?) since 1806. It’s the hope that kills you.

7^th Tottenham – Unable or unwilling to throw enough money at the team when they reached the lofty heights of successive Chumps League qualification to turn them into true Championship contenders, an inevitable gradual decline has since set in. When [one of] your big signing[s] is Joe Hart on a free, the measure of the club’s current ambition is clear for all to see. That lovely new stadium is going to take some paying off, it seems.

They will still beat us in the opening fixture though, that is almost guaranteed. And they might win a cup.

8^th Wolves – Another more than decent team with a charismatic manager, but I suspect they have hit a ceiling. Ask Spurs what happens then – ennui sets in and it all goes a bit “meh”.

9^th Leicester – Vardy ain’t getting any younger is he?

…

This is where it gets a tad difficult. Everything down to 9^th is fairly obvious (pretend you didn’t see Everton in there), but below that it is a lottery. It will be as tight as Cher’s face.

…

10^th Leeds – The safe bet is that Southampton are the best of the rest, but I fancy Leeds, who will either hit these dizzy heights or go straight back down again, such is the unknown quantity factor. Unlike Phil, I know nowt about their manager, but it seems he is fawned over by llamas back home. He seems a bit mad, which is always good.

11^th – Burnley – This one really depends if Sean Dyche isn’t tempted by a bigger club who need saving from relegation round about mid-season, whenever that is, with the prospect of better things to come. Newcastle, maybe, if they have finally unburdened themselves of Mike Ashley. If Dyche goes they could fall faster than the UK’s current international reputation.

12^th Southampton – I like Ralph Hassenhutl (I had to look up how to spell his surname, I admit!). He’s like Klopp’s sane brother. Maybe that’s the problem, he’s a little too safe. As for the club, they’re another one that without significant investment will never be more than makeweights. I wonder how their pre-season management planning meetings go? It must be difficult raising excitement levels above a sleepy torpor. I recommend Ralph turns up in lederhosen.

13^th West Ham – The best of the also-rans. Moyes does what Moyes does best. No surprises.

14^th Crystal Palace – Under Woy, Palace have put in a trademark application for 14^th. This assumes Zaha stays, and stays relatively injury-free. If he goes, probably three or four places lower.

15^th Fulham – This high only due to the size of the owner’s wallet.

16^th Sheffield Utd – They might be lucky to stay up, but I’ll give them 16^th, through the sheer force of will of their boss. Can’t see a repeat of last year’s unexpected heights, as they lack the surprise factor this time round.

17^th Aston Villa – I have always had a soft spot for the Villains, them being the other half of the oldest and most played top flight fixture. Dean Smith is an identikit “tough guy” English boss, in the manner of Dyche. It may be only his strength of character that keeps them up.

18^th Brighton – Like Southampton only worse. Would give their fish’n’chip suppers to be that average.

19^th Newcastle – I used to laugh at the Barcodes, a club and a fanbase with delusions of grandeur, yet they have won diddly in my lifetime, apart from maybe a Fairs Cup? Now, I just feel sorry for them. “Mike Ashley is a cunt” must be the most repeated phrase of any Barcode, now being shouted on every street corner in Toon after the much anticipated Saudi takeover went tits up, possibly because the sheikhs couldn’t countenance subsidising a man who probably aspires to a similar or worse human rights record. Until the fat controller sells up, you can’t see them progressing at all.

It’s amazing they have kept hold of Joelinton (so far, there’s still time), the one bright spark in a stripey sludge of average. The only other thing that would keep them up, apart from a takeover, is the roar of 50000 Geordies at every home game. With no prospect of that for the foreseeable, they are royally fucked, m’lud.

20^th West Brom – If ever a club has “bottom” stamped on its arse as the door slams on it, it’s West Brom, a club who aspire to be dour.

FA Cup – Spurs

League Cup – Spurs under-12s

I have no opinion on other trophies.

The Cobblers – lucky to stay up.

***

And that concludes the vote from the English ones.

Filling the Void

I gave up on Football Manager a few years ago. I had a rubbish old computer and playing a season almost felt like actually playing a season. My PC had the minimum requirements to run the game effectively (but I had to pare back on leagues and the number of players), albeit slower than a snail racing a sloth over molasses.

About six months before the apocalypse, I purchased a new home computer. I'm old, I wanted something I could sit at a desk and use; so none of these tablets or modern mobile phone rubbish, I wanted something to remind me that I'm a product of the 20th century.

To treat myself, I bought last year's Football Manager. I spent a few hours updating the editor ensuring the first season I played was going to be as close to how it looked as possible. The game, a vastly different thing to FM14, the last time I purchased it, was tough to get the feel of and I had several aborted starts while I got the hang of it. I also decided not to cheat, even if it meant losing to Arsenal (which hasn't happened so far).

I started the 2019/20 season at the end of February. The major things I did was sell Ben Davies, Moussa Sissoko and Heung Min Son. The first was out of choice, the second the board took the option to sell away from me, selling the Korean for £60million + add-ons, without me having a say in the matter. How lifelike was this new game? Son broke a leg in City's third game of the season.

To make matters worse, five days before the transfer deadline Levy sold Alderweireld for £61m to Man Utd and wouldn't let me send Ledley King on an extensive Continental A licence course. He did allow me to buy Matthijs de Ligt from Juventus for £30m and I took a gamble on a number of young inexperienced players to act as backup for key positions. Top signing was Toni Lato, an 18-year-old Italian left back, who was bought with 3½ star potential and quickly turned into a superstar when Rose kept getting sent off. His rating shot up to a potential of 5 stars and he was playing at 4 stars by the end of the season, relegating an argumentative and bitter Danny Rose to the U23 squad and being transfer listed.

Borja Emeterio was signed as a backup for Aurier (who performs consistently well in FM, remarkably),  Miguel Baeza was brought in for small beans to cover Lucas and for a laugh, I popped over to Brazil to see if I could take long-time FM superstar Gabriel Batista on loan, to double up on all attacking midfield positions. I was not only amazed I got him, but I managed to get a £35m buy-out. I also attempted to find a promising midfielder and settled on Claudio Gomez from one of Spanish giants; more so in this than any previous game you see the need for attracting top scouts. Gomez came to me on loan with a 5 star recommendation, but was actually on 2½ after assessment from the coaching staff - the game recommended I terminate the loan deal because the player was not good enough.

I then played this season.

Six games in an Man U were top with six wins from six and we were second with five wins and a draw. Then we got thumped 4-1 at Southampton and lost at home to Man City and slumped down to 8th. This was only the 2nd of what would turn out to be a total of 5 defeats all season, including defeats to Real Madrid and Spartak Moscow in the Champs League and defeat in the FA Cup QF to Everton.

Spurs won the league by 1 point, beating Man City in the penultimate game of the season at the Etihad to go above them with just a win at home to Watford to guarantee us the title. Kane scored a hat trick as Spurs beat the Hornets 3-0 to win their first Premier League. I also had won the League Cup beating Leicester 3-1 and the Champions League beating Chelsea also 3-1. A treble in my first season (and Everton won the Europa League even though I wasn't aware they'd qualified for it and the Arse finished 8th).

I felt an enormous amount of weirdness to be honest. My biggest criticism of FM is that once you understand how the game worked it was easy to win even without cheating; whatever algorithms they use - in game - always seem weighted to winning. In FM14, I took Northampton from League Two to the Premier League and a 6th place finish before actually having a lousy season and getting relegated (and then losing interest...). It would appear that even modern versions of the game allow people who know what they're doing find it easier. Like the random button on MP3 players; just how random is 'random'?

Equally; how long before I would have grown bored with this new game had my FM version of Spurs become as uninteresting as the real life version? "How's the game? Oh, I finished 12th, lost my striker to Man U and won fuck all again; it was great." Is not something to inspire you to keep Football Manager in business.

Three days ago, I started next season. Lato's out with a broken leg, meaning I had to buy a player. I got Kurasawa from PSG for £22m and he's going to give me a hard time. because 9 games into his first season he's angling for a new contract. I dumped Gomez back to Barca and was amazed to find I could buy Jadon Sancho from Dortmund for £20m, so I did, even though the fans think it was a stupid decision, he's scored five goals in his six games. Parrot is now in the main squad and has fantastic potential even if he's acting like a spoiled shit. Foyth's improvement has been positive as I didn't think he would make the grade and two apprentices have been promoted to the main squad because they're too good not to: Noel Willock was literally the perfect replacement for Eriksen, even if he's only 16 and Baz Chumley is an 18-year-old centre midfielder, who the coaches feel could be world class (I don't think either of these exist in the real world).

Nine matches in and we're 4th, in a six way battle, with two points dividing everyone. We've won 6 and drawn 3 and are currently on a 38 match unbeaten streak in the league. Levy, despite the success, is still giving me a hard time with budgets and I'd say 80% of the problems I've had with unhappy players have been down to the chairman; either not allowing players to have improved contracts or simply selling players without asking me (and then in the manager appraisal Levy tells me the fans thought selling Toby was bad business!). One tip for aspiring future players; a player's potential and ability will drop if you consistently don't offer them a new contract, even if you want to. Levy only wants to pay Lucas Moura what his potential says, which means, despite being a key member of the team, I have a ceiling which the chairman will not allow me to go above, even if I fiddle with the budgets. It's like the game knows Levy is renowned for this kind of thing...

If only real football could be as easy as FM, eh?

Stay safe, footballing chums.

The 2019/2020 Football Predictions

It’s that time of the year again when both the big noses indulge themselves in crystal ball gazing. I’ll kick off with my predictions and then Roger will sidle up to my Word document, whisper sweet nothings at it while defecating all over the keyboard. Yes, football’s back (if you don’t count the Women’s World Cup, Europa and Champs league preliminaries, Scottish football and various U19, U21 and U23 tournaments all shown on cable). Yay, football is baaaaack...

Manchester City: Two points. Firstly, this lad Rodri they’ve bought. In 9 months football pundits will look at you in disgust if you mention Rodri and Fernandinho in the same sentence; the Spanish lad will be revered, you watch. Secondly, if Phil Foden is as good as Pep reckons... Let’s put it this way, I don’t think Liverpool will have as good a season as they did last year; I do think Citeh will, possibly even improving by a fraction or two. Strength up and down the team, the only person not unduly worried by the seeming lack of central defenders is the manager – speaks volumes that. 1^st

Tottenham: I have this feeling, now that Daniel Levy has spent some money, that this could be a big improvement on last season, which is needed as it felt a little like the end of an era at times. The new guys – Tanguy Ndombele, Ryan Sessignon and Giovanni Lo Celso all have potential for bigger and better things and with barely anyone leaving of note, Spurs can at least enter the season with a far bigger squad able to contend with injuries. I expect fewer defeats, more commanding displays and a closer gap between them and the two above them. I expect Eriksen will go by the end of the European transfer window, but if he doesn’t he needs to knuckle down and treat every game like a game he’s up for because he disappears far too quickly and can often win games, but more often appears to be carried. I would like to see Spurs win something, but to do that now needs more investment than sheer luck, but win something, install a ‘winning mentality’ and they could well push on. The stadium, sponsorship and all manner of deals done outside of football suggests the team is ready to properly join the top 4 club, that means winning something; usually something big – probably not this season. 2^nd  

Liverpool: Will still be there or thereabouts, but more likely the latter. A few teams will start to work out how this side play and there’s going to be a complacency problem at times, oh and the exhaustion of having to play up to 67 games between the Community Shield and possibly an attempt at retaining their Champions League trophy. That is pretty much two games a week. There is also going to be pressure to take the lesser cups more seriously; I don’t know who from, probably journalists, but I think momentum thru progression is expected and I feel, ultimately, it might be another nearly season. 3^rd  

Arsenal: It must have been extremely perplexing to Spurs fans to see Arsenal so busy in the transfer window and them only playing Thursday Night Football in Europe – but an overhaul was probably, like Spurs, long overdue. I really believe Emery’s task this year is to return to Wenger ways – top 4 at all cost. It’s uninspiring and a little defeatist and I wonder what Arsenal fans must think of a club that appears to treat top 4 as a trophy, of sorts. Let’s face it, at the moment you’re going to have to be very good to take on Man City and Arsenal are still rebuilding and some way behind Liverpool and their rivals Spurs. I find it weird that I should be urging Arse fans to accept it has to be baby steps to begin with. That said, they’re going to emerge from the pack this season not based on inspiring football, but because everyone around them is heading for a season of crisis. 4^th  

Chelsea: For Frank Lampard going to one of his clubs so soon in his managerial career means one thing: succeed, or fail: quicker, more miserably than any other manager and seriously curtail your career. I’m sure he’s not short of a few bob, but Chelsea are that Football Manager Players’ dream/nightmare: having to play with the team you signed up for and not being able to do any transfers. I think he’ll have moments; Roman will stay calm and eventually, like last season they’ll end up in a position that looked unlikely for most of the season. I think, providing it doesn’t all go tits up quickly, he’ll be given some time. Maybe Chelsea fancy creating the next Pep? 5^th

Manchester United: Which brings us to the third club that’s going to have a crisis on the pitch: in Man Utd’s case it will be similar to Ole’s first season; great start and then players were found wanting and ones who got reprieved from this season’s cull will be in line next. They will still be thereabouts and might even win a cup, just to remind everyone that while they’re not the best team in Manchester, they’re still better than most of the others. As for Paul Pogba; I’m really sure he brings something to the game, but in the four or five times I saw Man Utd play last season, he was less effective than Charlie Adam. 6^th

Everton: Let’s face it, like Spurs wanting to finish about Arsenal, before anything else; Everton would like to be alpha males again and this season has to be the first signs of evidence they’re heading for that region. I’m not sure what they’d do if this season doesn’t see an improvement or even if they can do it? Spurs are only in that elite group by gatecrashing the party with some great football, even if they once didn’t splash the cash. The Toffees are at that stage and have been at for what seems like forever. Lots more expectation than hope in their fans’ camp but a general feeling of not knowing how they can break the top 6. This season it’s about beating Wolves and Leicester into 7^th and I think they’ve done enough to make people think they might stand a chance, they need a good start and have completely revamped their team, so I’m not convinced they’ll hit the ground running, but I think they have enough. 7^th

Wolves: Despite an excursion into Europa League mayhem, I don’t think that will be too much of a problem for Wolves and it could be believed they’d think a top six position was more than capable and not be happy without one. Outside the top 6 is all they’re capable of at the moment. In 2020 football, 7^th is almost a new 1^st, because it gives the best team in the rest of a chance to feel better about themselves and it occasionally allows the team to have less holiday so they can play in the Faroe Islands in July while all their mates, at other clubs, are still on the beach sending you pictures of their arses. This is as far as Wolves can progress without an oligarch, Arab or insane American prepared to throw a billion at the club. 8^th

Leicester: would like to finish 7^th as, logically, it’s as good as it’s ever going to get after the euphoria of winning the league. I think this season it’s simply going to be a case of they could be heading for the potential of becoming the new Everton, which given how close the teams are, sounds really like damning with faint praise. 3-2-1’s Brendan Rogers has a lot on his plate trying to convince richer clubs he deserves another crack at the big time and taking on a team like the Foxes proves he’s got a couple of big sweaty balls. 9^th

West Ham: are scum and I should hate them. I mean, we have a rivalry with our rivals; someone, somewhere seems to have invented this rivalry between Spurs and the Hammers. First I’d heard of it was a few years ago and I’m not against wishing them well; far more than Arsenal or Chelsea and because the wife supports them. They have a good manager, who like Woy Hodgson won’t let you down until he does. They’ve spent money again: often West Ham transfer windows look like a kid playing Football Manager. Ooh, he looks good. Buy him. The problem now is, are there any teams outside the top six you can see going on an unbeaten run for ten or fifteen matches? This lot are scum and I should hate them. 10^th

Watford: in the current scheme of things, this lot are probably the last of the obvious choices to play in the little mini-league between 7^th and 12^th. The Italian owners do have ambitions for this club, they simply don’t have the money to ensure those ambitions are anything other than token. Watford often feel like they should be a team I should like, because of it being in Hertfordshire, but they’ve often just been one of the teams making up the numbers, much like they are now. 11^th

Burnley: are probably never going to recreate their form of a few years ago, which saw them qualify for Europe, that go horribly wrong and have a massive impact on the subsequent league season. I’m not sure fans of middling Premier League teams want to cut short their summer holidays to watch Burnley versus HB Torshavn. Sean Dyke lives near Northampton; I always thought he sounded like he was local to me... Imagine him wearing a pink leotard, carpet slippers and nipple clamps, it makes knowing Burnley are staying in the EPL a little less painful. 12^th

Crystal Palace: essentially what I wrote for Watford but with more speech impediments and the letter W. 7-12^th is a success, of sorts, for owners and keeps the price reasonable should they decide to pass the baton on to another mug who doesn’t realise the club has no heritage and isn’t really even in London. They’ll win the race to avoid relegation by March. 13^th

Southampton: Joe 90’s evil Austrian twin will get bragging rights and permission to wear the glasses this year. Evil Austrian Twin might realise the actual chances of Southampton bucking the growing trend (of big clubs and also rans) and wonder what it’s like to manage a club with more prospects than EPL stability. Saints want top 4, Ralf can say ‘there’s a four in where we finished’. Saints fans should be holding street parties, in streets. Something else. Blah blah blah. 14^th

Aston Villa: I kind of think this could be one of the one or two glaring errors or unexpected survival stories of the season, or something that involves words, in some kind of order. Are Villa this year’s Fulham (as in they’ve replaced the entire team with people you’ve never heard of like a pot head in a sweet shop)? Has the club spunked too much of its junk on a load of shite? Would 15^th be regarded as some kind of success? No? Okay. 15^th

Bournemouth: I think Bournemouth are better than we think and I really like their manager, Joe 90 [Put a pair of NHS specs on him, shut your eyes and you’re almost there] The thing about this team is they actually look quite comfortable in the Premier League and have almost reached the position where people who still remember Bradford Park Avenue being a league team are even getting used to them being where they are rather than with Ted MacDougal and his 4^th Division goal scoring feats... That said, there will probably only be four teams below them. 16^th  

Norwich: Delia crying tears of gravy. Gingerbread men swooping off the terraces of Carrow Road. Mustard gas used on innocent Stewart White. Yes. Yes. Yes yes and just about, missus. 17^th

Newcastle: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha 18^th

Brighton: It was a toss-up between this lot and the lot I went with for bottom and I obviously don’t follow this lot, but when they got rid of Antony Knockaert, I kind of wondered if I’d missed something about football as he was pretty much Brighton’s most inventive and dangerous player last year and therefore, based on that knowledge that I have, I reckon this lot will be this season’s Huddersfield, but not as bad. 19^th

Sheffield United: I had a brief flirtation with the Blades in the early 1970s. I was disillusioned supporting Spurs and the Blades had got promoted, were briefly at the top of the league and [players names from then] was or were [something] etc etc etc. Blah blah blah valiant performances. Blah blah blah great supporters. Blah blah blah fans singing ‘can we play you every week’ to Spurs when they record their only wins of the season, twice in the league and in both cups. Mauricio Pochettino said, “Thank fuck they didn’t play in the Champions League.” 20^th

FA CUP: Man City

League Cup: Man City

The EFL Vanarama Rumbelows Johnstone’s Paint Trophy: Man City U21s

Champions League: Man City

Europa League: Wolves

Championship Winners: Derby

Cobblers to finish 9^th (or maybe 19^th)

Over the Roger for the weather in his own unique way...

Arsenal - 3rd

The expensive winger will be absorbed into the Arsenal murk of big wins followed by inexplicable losses. Top sometime in November, followed by the inevitable wobble. They're an odd bunch, the Gooners. Will sleepwalk into 3rd, given Chelsea's transfer woes, Spuds stingyness, and Utd's ordinariness. A hundred miles off 2nd, mind.

Aston Villa - 16th

It's good to see The Villans back in the top flight, and it resurrects the most played top flight fixture too. The only promoted side to borrow and spend heavily against the Prem TV money, will their scattergun transfer policy/gamble pay off? As an Everton fan I know only too well that signing everything that moves below the radar of the big hitters rarely works, but I'll give them the benefit of the doubt. There's no cow in Bovril...

AFC Bournemouth - 15th

All the clubs beginning with B (ignore the AFC affectation, if you please) will struggle, but Eddie Howe's lot are the best of that bunch by a decent distance. At some point he'll go to a bigger club, and then the Cherries will be well and truly pipped, but until then they'll survive by the width of a deckchair. Where the Bs end up is anyone's guess, but none of them higher than 15th is my punt. You'd get decent odds for all three Bs getting relegated.

Brighton - 20th

See Bournemmouth... only much worse. I like Chris Houghton, but his team are anonymous, and hopeless.

Burnley - 18th

See Brighton... only not quite as bad. Sean Dyche belongs in the Championship.

Chelsea - 7th

Losing Hazard is so obviously a massive blow for the most disliked club in London, and combined with a transfer ban means it wil be difficult if not impossible for Chelsea to improve on last season, especiallly with a new and unproven manager. Frank Jnr may well do a Solksjaer, and start off with the speed of John Terry hastily leaving a team mate's wife in a hotel room, but will The Czar have the guts to sack a fan favourite when he's lost 6 in a row over Xmas? Yes, he will, obviously. #freezouma ;)

Crystal Palace - 13th

Holding on to Zaha, even a disgruntled Zaha is enough to secure Woy mid twable.

Everton - 6th

Another turbulent summer in the transfer market has seen my lot have a massive dump of unwanted players - 23 at the last count - left by the disastrous Koeman/Walsh/Fat Sam era, and make some decent signings, but the loss of Gueye and Zouma (unlikely we will get him in January now Luis has been shipped out) may prove critical to our chances of improving on last season. Moise Kean (with a name like that he had to sign for us, didn't he?) although only 19 sounds like a great buy, and hopefully a fruitful partnership with DCL awaits. In my never humble opinion we dodged an £80m-sized bullet by not landing Zaha, a ridiculous price for an intermittently good player prone to hissy fits and injury. Iwobi at less than half the price may be bargain of the summer.
However, it's all very well scoring 15 more goals than last year, but if we let in 15 more, it hardly matters. The position of main defensive midfielder is one where age and experience always have it over youth and enthusiasm, and although 23-year old Jean-Phillipe Gbamin may turn out to be the best defensive midfielder since Roy Keane, a direct Gueye replacement he ain't - yet. No replacement for Zouma means we are light in the CB positions, as I strongly suspect Mina may be a walking sicknote, and the cover is no great shakes. I may be completely wrong - it's been known to happen!
Hopefully it all works out and we edge past a faltering Chelski on goal differnce for 6th. Mind you, as we all know, it's the hope that kills you.
#freezouma

Leicester City - 10th

A mini league with Watford and West Ham is not won by the Foxes, despite Brenda's Scottish canniness. Although Maguire is an overrated lummox, they'll still miss him, with no obvious replacement bought. Otherwise, meh...

Liverpool - 2nd

Runners up again despite not splashing any cash. Salah will be found out by VAR, Klopp off to Spain, or the mental health ward. We can but dream. It will be another close one, but not as close as last year.

Manchester City - 1st

You can't really bet against them. About the only thing that will stop them winning the PL, and by more than they did last time, too, is if they get to the semis and beyond in the Champion's League. Then, Pep's focus may well change. Expect some more bizarre cardigan wear in the winter from the winningly personable Spaniard.

Manchester Utd - 4th

How long Gunner Graham lasts in the job is open to question, but I suspect that they'll grind out a few results, and Pogba will win a few singlehanded before sulking for a few games. Harry Maguire £80m?! Really? Solksjaer will keep his job as they finish 4th, a result of falling morale in the Spuds camp when the players find out that Levy is charging them £10 an hour to park at the training ground.

Newcastle Utd - 17th

Broocie Rubberface gone by Xmas, turmoil, cue mucho Geordie wailing, moaning (a lot of moaning), and gnashing of teeth. Saved on the last day of the season by an own goal off Jordan Henderson's arse that secures them the one point needed to stay up. Mike Ashley is burnt at the stake after the game. There's a lot of fat, he burns for a loooong time.

Norwich City - 19th

Narch are back! And straight down!

Sheffield Utd - 14th

Chris Wilder is a very good coach, and may well do a Moyes and get the Blades punching above their weight enough to stay up. 14th is a bit of a gamble, but why not?

Southampton - 12th

I have no idea what to say about Southampton, so I'll say nowt. Midtable obscurity beckons, again.

Tottenham Hotspur - 5th

Still the second best name for a football team in the country, after Accrington Stanley, of course. Remember those close seasons not so long ago when Spuds were associated with any player that so much as looked at his agent, and then they ended up buying only two? These days Spuds are probably the last club to be associated with anyone, and yet another transfer window slams shut on Daniel Levy's titanium reinforced wallet, which was suffering the trauma of having shelled out a club record fee of three shekels plus the club goat on a defensive midfielder/fluffer for the Potch. Didn't they land another midfielder on deadline day? If so, that's two more players than last year, so, progress. Or... stagnation, which means decline, so 5th, with an exodus of the manager and Harry Kane by this time next year. You read it here first - well, that's if my bit goes before Phil's. [It doesn’t]

Watford - 9th

Can last season's dizzy heights be maintained? Very possibly, given the generally poor quality of all the remaining bottom half teams from last season, plus those promoted from the Championship.

West Ham Utd - 11th

The energy vampire that is the London Stadium will hold back the Hammers by at least 2 places from where they should be.

Wolverhampton Wanderers - 8th

There will be very little between 6th, 7th and 8th, and Wolves will only finish bottom of that mini league due to being up and down like the Prime Minister's trousers at an interns' indictment session, as a result of playing in the Thursday Night League, a poisoned chalice unless you have a huge squad. I hope. I like the manager's beard.

FA Cup: Not Everton

League Cup: Not Everton

The EFL Vanarama Rumbelows Johnstone’s Paint Trophy: Not Everton U21s

Champions League: Definitely Not Everton

Europa League: Not Everton

Championship Winners: Not Everton

Rejoin us in May as we laugh and wail about how good/bad/indifferent we were.

Enjoy the football, someone has to.

Season Review: How Do You Not Like That?

It's been the strangest of seasons. Liverpool have had a massively successful season, yet so far have nothing to show for it. 97 points and finishing 2nd has got to be one of the biggest kicks in the guts any team has ever suffered?

Man City were maybe not as worthy champions as Liverpool were unbelievably worthy runners-up. Four defeats against one, both teams virtually unplayable - all season. They have made it a classic season. Except, apart from the token challenge by a Spurs side that already looked like they'd blown it - there was a point where, if Spurs won their remaining 13 games they would have won the league because they would have beaten the then two clubs above them. In reality, they played the last 13 games like a team struggling against a relegation threat and fourth was, in the end, gifted to them by the inconsistency of those below them, especially an incredibly profligate Arsenal, who really should have sown up 3rd weeks ago and ended up 5th.

You kind of have to take Spurs out of standard end-of-season reviews because they're a special exception this year; so if you analyse Chelsea, Arsenal, and Man Utd, the most impressive was undoubtedly Wolves, despite finishing three wins shy of 6th. They still might screw up next season by getting into the Europa League, but they did themselves proud this season and with that kind of improvement the top six will be looking over their shoulders next year. They're ahead of those around them by virtue of being the new boys - second season syndrome could strike if they're playing in the Europa League at the end of July.

Unai Emery had an arguably better season than Wenger's final one, but they still missed out on an automatic Champions League place, but might still squeeze in if they win the Europa; they have Chelsea in their way and there will be no love lost. Chelsea and their fag-smoking mad monk have won no friends and have become a slightly distasteful element of the Premier League. It is a club that is clearly not being run as well as it once was and you feel that they're going to go backwards, especially with a transfer ban (upheld after appeal). Man Utd fans were praising saint OGS 8 weeks ago; they ended the season with almost the worst form in the league and had they not had a good patch might have struggled for 6th. There's a lot of work and money needed to be spent there.

And then there was Spurs. Rediscovered the 'spursy' nickname with some awful performances and instead of salvaging wins from losing positions, they seemed to do the opposite this year. 13 defeats... 7 of those came in the days and weeks following the outside title challenge claim (they did exactly the same in 2012). The last player to sign for Spurs was Lucas Moura, two transfer windows ago and this season the club has been blighted by injuries, have played 4/5ths of the season back at Wembley and no one really expected them to get in the top four, yet they finished 4th and more importantly they did something else.

Looking back at the forecasts Roger and I made in August, neither of us did that bad. I had Fulham in the top 10, he had Watford relegated, I had the top 4 with City as winners, he also had City winning but only two of the others. We were as close as City and Liverpool in the end.

However, while that part has told part of the story, the season is not over. It has something special right at the end. The fact that Arsenal play Chelsea in the Europa final is an achievement in what is a far more unpredictable tournament than the Champions League usually throws up, but that is overshadowed by Liverpool versus Spurs. Yes, Spurs. In the Champions League they have been the team that refuses to lay down and die. They were less than 20 minutes away from elimination in Barcelona in December. They played some of their best football of the season by getting rid of Dortmund and played in two of the most nail-biting ties against Man City. Ajax should have been easy, but Spurs lost the first leg, at home and were 2-0 down at half time in Amsterdam.

Liverpool had not had an easier ride but they struggled to get out of their group and generally sailed through the knockout until they hit Barcelona. Despite playing really well, the reds got stuffed 3-0 and all seemed lost. Just less than 24 hours earlier they were winning 4-0 to mark possibly the most remarkable comeback in European football history. At half-time in Amsterdam, Spurs trudged off looking beaten. The squad, hampered by injuries, quite threadbare and exhausted, also hadn't got Harry Kane. Any Spurs fan would have thought at that point there was not going to be a grandstand finish; most of them were hoping we didn't get humiliated.

The last man to sign for the club, Lucas Moura, teaming up with a rejuvenated Dele Alli, scored three times, his third with almost the last kick of the match to ensure four English clubs compete in the two European cups. As a Spurs fan, all I can say is... blimey.

As a Spurs fan I'm petrified. Ah, forget about the final, I'm proud my team has made it, of course I'll be disappointed if they lose, but... wow, man. No, what I'm petrified about is winning it. Winning would maybe mean losing Pochettino. The players who want to leave to win a European title will have achieved it. Winning it might completely break up a once great thing.

I expect at least five of our players will never pull on a Spurs shirt after June 1st. Spurs have achieved top four finishes for four consecutive years. They cannot be considered as anything than probably the third best side in the country. The board needs to replace the players going and bring in a couple of others and that means rebuilding with players that ease into the team quickly; that don't need to bed in and will expect to be paid the money a top four side should be paying with the resources at their disposal. ENIC needs to take Spurs into the same areas as Arsenal as far as wages are concerned and that will cost them a lot of money and they also need more players... There's nothing to suggest that Daniel Levy will spend anything apart from, well, having to.

No one knows at this point what Chelsea will do between now and August. You expect Olly will get to spend some cash and then half a season before the knives come out and Dick Emery will continue to positively rebuild, depending on which European cup competition the Arse are playing in. The team that is no longer the joker in the pack are the team now punching at a similar weight, with a better stadium and arguably more money but most importantly greater expectations from the fans. There are no more excuses. Investment in the squad has to happen because we're at the end of an era.

The squad that got us here is about to fall apart. The first sign was Kyle Walker, but we coped without him. Then Dembele and we struggled to dominate. Now we're facing more departures and we're in a position where we have to look at our squad and ask ourselves not who needs to go but who needs to stay.

I expect Hugo to remain, I also expect Gazzaniga to take the #2 jersey and possibly an academy promotion to fill the benchwarmer's position.

In defence, regardless of age, Jan Vertonghen shouldn't go anywhere; he's got three years in him at least and what he can teach and what he gives makes him essential. Davinson Sanchez is the other rock and these two would be the centre two for the coming season in my team. It's the rest that are problematic; Serge Aurier won't be going anywhere, I expected him to get time, like Sissoko, and he's useful as a back up. There's a question mark over Juan Foyth but I feel that's fan backlash and press speculation. I believe Eric Dier is a confidence player and needs a run in the team to get him to the position that makes him important; whether he's got first team stamped on him is now a doubt and his temperament can be a problem. He's a better defender than he is a defensive midfielder. Ben Davies is also an adequate squad player and Kyle Walker-Peters is going to need to step up. What the team might need are new left and right backs.

Midfield isn't really a position we've considered a problem in recent years but next season it can't just be built around Winks, Sissoko, Alli and Lamela. It's remarkable that I can consider Moussa Sissoko as worthy of inclusion, yet he's proved his worth more than once and if he can score some goals... Harry Winks runs the midfield in a way that hasn't been seen for years; he always finds space. Dele Alli needs to step up; a good rest over the summer will do him the world of good and I believe that he'll be used deeper in the next season because he controls it very well and could well fill part of the void from Eriksen's inevitable departure. Lamela will, if injury free, be given one more season to see if he can consistently do what he occasionally does. I expect Oliver Skipp will remain part of the main set up and maybe another will move where he was, but we need three midfielders and one of them needs to be first team material.

Up front it's clear that support for Kane, Moura and Son is now a priority. There needs to be a goalscorer; a target man; someone who can play with Harry as the #10.

That's six players and guess what? Not all six are going to work out; we know that. We also know that some of them might take a year to get with the program. The problem we have is we can't really expect any more players and, let's be honest about this, we've bought about four players in five years that have pulled on a first team shirt more than as a cameo.

I figure we need to or will lose Vorm, Trippier, Rose, Wanyama, Alderweireld, Janssen, N'Koudou, Onoma, Llorente, probably Cameron-Vickers and, of course, Eriksen. I say, 'of course' because we could get £150million for him and that could get us three good players and meaning Daniel Levy might only have to spend another £100million on rotation players. We are going to struggle to find and then buy enough players without having to either keep some of what we've got or possibly doing a 'Gareth Bale' and spending a lot of money on a certain amount of unknowns - either that or Levy has to loosen the wage strings.

But that is to come (or not, maybe). Before then the biggest night in the club's history has to happen. Win or lose, I hope the boys do themselves proud.

The 2018/19 Predictions

Football, eh? Fuck me we could all do with a break from it...

For well over 106 years, Roger and I have done our annual Premier League forecast. I spent an hour looking at previous predictions and have to declare that we've always been better than 60% correct, with one or two notable embarrassments. Leicester to narrowly escape relegation the year they won it. QPR to be mid-table every time they got back in the top flight. Both were far more crazy than the seemingly mad forecast that Spurs would win the league (they finished 2nd) or that Everton would win the League Cup - almost every year (they never have).

This year we are blessed with a Premier League without either West Brom or Stoke City who both of us have wished to be relegated for yonks (yet I don't recall either of us forecasting their demise the year they went down). There are more obvious candidates for the bottom five than the top five, but as last season proved, promoted teams are no longer the most vulnerable.

There is also the simple fact that with the exception of a few clubs, there's barely been any transfer business of note, which means a lot could change in the next 10 days, although quite how much immediate impact any new signing is going to have is negligible now.

Here are my predictions for the coming season; Roger's will either follow mine or be before mine, depending on which blog this is posted on.

Arsenal: Like Arsene Wenger, Unai Emery sounds like some vaguely bottom related ailment. The former PSG manager inherits a stagnant team needing something new to focus on. Another season in Thursday night hell will do them no favours and it's whether they have enough quality players to sustain a challenge for the top 4 that is of the biggest concern. Emery won't make many friends but he won't do bad enough to get sacked. They will take all cup competitions seriously as their only real silverware chances.

Bournemouth: Is Eddie Howe the new Messiah? Well, he has more technical nous than Gareth Waistcoatgate. The problem is Bournemouth are punching above their weight and all they can realistically hope for is a campaign where they're never too close to the drop. Tough season where they need some of their 'investments' to stand up to their potential.

Brighton: In an alternative reality Chris Hughton eventually becomes the manager of Tottenham. In our reality this is unlikely to happen despite him being an excellent and under rated manager. This season he's going to need a lot of grit and determination from his players because, quite simply 18 other teams have more quality.

Burnley: It's the Europa League wot did it for them. How Sean Dyche hasn't been coaxed by a 'bigger' club is a mystery, apart from the fact he just doesn't fit the modern manager role. He's a modern-day Sam Allardyce and the chances are he'd fail at another club and his stock as a tactician would fall. Burnley will be happy with group stages of Europa, mid table and a cup semi - they might get them all.

Cardiff: Does the anagram of Colin Wanker have it in him, at his age, to be a proper Premier league manager or will the Welshmen crash and burn, again? I can't see them putting up a fight. The Spaniard who was at Swansea and Sheffield Wednesday will be in by Christmas.

Chelsea: The last time they had a new Italian manager I said they'd finish 6th and they won it. Like Arsenal, they are a club in a decline cycle, the new manager will be good for moral and form, but ultimately they won't be a team like others and will struggle again to break the top 4.

Crystal Palace: Here's a weird one. Based on form and other irrelevant statistics, some computer came up with a prediction that Palace were capable of a top three finish. I'm not agreeing with that computer, but I get the feeling this team under a rejuvenated Woy Hodgson won't be struggling this season.

Everton: Will the new manager turn this usually guaranteed top 7 team into a top 7 team? Will they win the League Cup? One of the season's mysteries because a) is the manager actually any good? b) do they have the players and have they bought anyone in that can change games? And c) Even if they can are they better than at least three of the six sides above them? Sorry Rog, but no.

Fulham: Puzzle time. This season's QPR? I've always had a soft spot for Fulham; nice ground, mad owners, some great players and with a manager who oversees a game as madly as he played, you can expect the unexpected from this team. Watch Ryan Sessignan; he'll be worth a lot of money soon.

Huddersfield: Seriously doomed without better quality. I can't see them having the resilience of Bournemouth and even though their manager is a really capable future star, this will likely be their EPL exit.

Liverpool: Say it with hilarity in your voice - this lot are the proper pundits' tip to beat Man City to the title. On paper they've filled in most of the cracks by doing a lot of their transfer work while others were pondering the world cup. Even more so than when the FSW or Brenda were in charge, there is an expectation this could be the year Klopp beats Pep, but I feel Liverpool, like Spurs, have forgotten how to win the most important matches and most fans of most other clubs would simply be excited at the prospect of a great season. However, the weight of Liverpool fans' is often too much for the players to burden themselves with.

Leicester: Obviously, they'll never hit the heights they did, but now they are also no longer regarded as relegation fodder. This is a big season for the former Champions and they will want a top 7 finish to maybe give them some more Europe the season after next. This is a club with some money and you can't fault their ambition, but losing Mahrez, their most creative player, will need to be addressed.

Man City: Honestly? You can't really see anyone else really challenging. If Citeh play to 75% of what they did last season they'd still win the league, despite whatever improvements there have been elsewhere. I'd love to see Pep throw all of the money and grandeur away and take on the job of managing Northampton Town for 3 years on £100k a year transfer budget. Then I'd acknowledge he's a brilliant manager, but while he has bottomless resources to essentially buy whomever he wants wherever it is difficult to see anyone else really giving this team a run for their money for the next three years.

Man Utd: I seriously expect this team to have moments of extreme embarrassment this season. I have a feeling that Jose won't last the course, essentially because I don't think he has the passion for it any more and he would have preferred to have managed Man U when they were very good. It is no longer a pre-requisite to play for Man U if you're a world class footballer and only this team's quality will ensure they get anything from what could be Mourinho's last season in football management.

Newcastle: Why is the FSW still there? With no money and an owner who actually is a Spurs fan, I can't see Newcastle being anything other than the new Stoke. They have two or three good players who will want a better season or they'll be at bigger clubs in January.

Southampton:  The new West Brom? Mark Hughes is competent at best and is one of that list of managers who always get offered jobs when they get sacked for being shit at their last job. I wish I could be a football manager for a few weeks... As for the south coast side? I expect a long tough season, slightly less fraught than last year.

Watford: Who is their manager this week? Won't finish in the top 10, this year, next year or in 2050. Have less chance of success than Elton John has of having a #1 hit while singing naked up to his groin in a sheep.

West Ham: The wife and brother-in-law's team and one I have always had a soft spot for despite Whammers' hating Spurs like we were the paedo that stole their children. I never like seeing them get relegated, but I hate playing them and they're often more up for beating Spurs than the Arse. Pellegrino is a remarkably astute signing, but this is going to be a year of general rebuilding.

Wolves: This season's proper mystery. They have a manager reasonably unknown but sounding like a fancy Spanish dish in a Michelin-starred restaurant who appears to love the Portuguese (cos he is one) and have turned Wolves into a real dark horse for complete survival. Many people of my age and older will look at Wolves in the top flight and think that an order has been restored, but I've always disliked the team, so I want to change my mind.

Tottenham: I was so wrong about playing at Wembley and I was so glad I was wrong. I really thought Spurs would struggle to finish in the top 6 with Wembley as a millstone and another tough Champions League campaign. In September, Spurs move into New White Hart Lane (and play Liverpool, so a nice easy start) before that they have three away matches and a 'home' game at Wembley against Fulham. It's a bitty start, just the kind of thing a team that notoriously screws up any chance they have of genuinely challenging for a title by having crap starts to the season. Plus, you have to factor in the unbelievably massive work that Daniel Levy has done in the transfer market. So far, with August 1st just round the corner (and a deadline that closes on the 9th), Spurs have signed exactly 0 players.They have at least 13 players still on holiday after world cup exertions and while it gives the B team a chance to shine, Spurs could have a bench that resembles the local nursery school for August.

The 'Spurs' fan in me, looks at all the inactivity, all the lack of real depth, at the new shiny stadium that needs to be a fortress and all the seemingly hollow bullshit from the manager about concluding business early and getting the squad right and I really worry about this season. However, the optimist in me is weighing up the factors against the team last season and how well they did considering and I have to think that Spurs are no longer a team that buckles at adversity. For the fringe players there has never been a better opportunity (even if these include Sissoko, Llorente and a few others who you'd be hard pressed to get excited about) to establish themselves over the 1st team. I expect a high finish more because of others failure to be consistent rather than us ever really challenging.

Final Table:

Man City
Tottenham
Liverpool 

Chelsea

Man U
Arsenal
Crystal Palace 

Everton
Leicester
Fulham

Burnley

West Ham

Wolves

Newcastle

Southampton
Bournemouth
Watford
Brighton
Cardiff
Huddersfield

FA Cup winners: Man City

League Cup winners: Liverpool
European Champions League winners: Sligo Rovers
Cobblers?: Play-offs
1st Manager sacked: Claude Puel

A new football season beckons, rising in a vista of hope, only to be crushed by the jackboot of despondency. Well, if you're an Everton fan at any rate. Actually, the hope is a little less ecstatic than this time last year, so at least the onset of despondency will be easier to take. Pass the happy pills, nurse, I'm going in...

2018/19 will see more insane transfer prices and obscene wages for the top players, while my local team Northampton Town teeters on the verge of collapse, stymied by allegedly corrupt former owners and and a brazenly incompetent local council, the latest owner is thiscloseto walking away in frustration. Ho-hum.

Anyway, this time of year Phil and I make fools of ourselves with our annual predictions. Last season I was spectacularly wide of the mark, reckoning that Chelsea would retain their title! So, settle in for more hilariously myopic crystal ball gazing...

ArsenaL: Unai Emery sounds abrasive and vaguely anal. I know or care little about what the Arse have been up to this close season. They have become the West Brom of the top half of the table, consistently dull and predictable. OK, West Brom aren't in the PL any more, but yer know worramean?! Expect a cup win, and little change in their league position.

Bournemouth: Eddie Howe - a lot of Evertonians wanted him as Martinez' replacement, and he had to be a better bet than Fat Sam, eh? The question is how long can he and his team keep it up? I reckon this time round they will need the football equivalent of a packet of blue pills to stay up. If Howe has been poached by Xmas, then expect a relegation battle which they might lose. Otherwise, a relegation battle they might win.

Brighton: Quite near Bournemouth, but not as good. Straight back down again.

Burnley: Sean Dyche looks like a low achieving pugilist. His bunch of scrappers will be in a battle for 7th/8th with my lot. We're quite flaky, so I expect to lose, but the dreaded burden of hope makes me predict otherwise.

Cardiff: Hail the return of Colin Wanker! What were his parents Dan Bhoj and Rosi Ticl thinking? At least they're back to playing in blue. Another club with a barking and seemingly clueless foreign owner. The bottom half of the PL is full of relegation candidates with nowt between them, and this lot are one of them.

Chelsea: By the time this is published they might have sold Courtois to Real Madrid and bought Pickford from us. Even though Man City epitomise the unlevel playing field of modern football, somehow, it's still Chelsea everyone hates. If they buy Pickford I hope they implode under a huge tax fraud case involving the Russian mafia, and sex trafficking, the utter utter bastards. If not...meh...6th

Crystal Palace: Woy did quite well with them last time. If they sell Zaha to Spurs or anyone else, as is likely, they could be in big trouble, otherwise solid upper mid-table.

Fulham: This flaky bunch of west Lahndan chancers have an owner even madder than Vincent Tan, and even more unlikable than Ambramovich. Buy Wembley?! Wtf?! For that alone they deserve to fail, badly.

Huddersfield: I know absolutely nowt about this lot. Oh yeah...David Wagner, a sort of saner version of Klopp. Will probably win the title. Or finish bottom. In that case, 17th.

Liverpool: It's their year! Unfortunately this time a lot of pundits and journos agree with the fans' annual deluded nonsense, and sadly they might just be right. Added to that this may be Klopp's last chance before he gets poached by Bayern Munich. On the other hand, Citeh could win it in their sleep at the moment, so 2nd, probably...hopefully.

Leicester: Their fans still haven't stopped smiling, and who can blame them? Can't see anything vastly different from last season to be honest. Then again, Vardy isn't getting any younger and they've lost Mahrez, so this could be the start of a slow slide back down the table. That prediction probably means they'll win it again.

Man City: Money, money, money, it's a rich man's world. 1st, obviously.

Man Utd: By some distance, the dullest team in the top six. Even when he was winning stuff with Chelsea, Maureen had the demeanour of a bloke who hates his job, now he just looks like someone who can't wait to retire. I know the feeling. Wake me up before you go go, Maureen.

Newcastle: There is a sizeable minority of Everton fans who, every time we change managers recently, want the FSW as our boss. They can fuck right off. Have they no memory? Anyway, like Phil said, how is he still at Newcastle? Come to that how is that cockney sportswear spiv still their owner? More mid-table fodder, unless Benitez finally does get poached, in which case, yet another relegation prospect.

Southampton: Meh...wherever they finish, it will be next to Newcastle in the table.

Tottenham: They've just played in virtually every game in the World Cup so they'll be asleep for a few weeks, and then disorientated by their move 50 yards down the road. Expect Harry Hotspur to get lost, looking for the new way in, not being the sharpest pin in the box. Like Phil I thought Wemberlee would be their undoing last season, but I was wrong, as per normal. For the first time I can remember, Spuds have a resilience about them, and actually don't look flaky. Except when they play Chelsea, obviously. Will lose to Chelsea twice, but slug it out with Liverpool for 2nd, and hopefully win, but I doubt it somehow. Third.

Watford: My dad's team, so I've always had a soft spot for them. Right now they are an advert for how not to run a football club. Will struggle, badly.

West Ham: A horrible team, led by a likeable wily old fox. Unlike Spurs, the wide open spaces of their new ground is causing them big problems, and probably still will this time. Mid table fodder.

Wolves: I used to like the 70s Wolves starring Derek Dougan, and their weirdly designed main stand. I know nothing about them now, nor does anyone else it seems. Therefore, they will do best of all the promoted teams. Mid table.

Everton: Like all clubs we have a sizeable number of idiots in our fanbase. This time, they wanted Marco Silva sacked for losing a couple of pre-season friendlies with our team of misfiring misfits, plus Richarlison. These people are so short sighted they probably hold each other's dicks in the loos at Goodison and don't notice.

Silva wasn't my first choice, but he's got my support as he has of any fan with two braincells to spark off. A bit of an unknown quantity he's not been at any club long enough to really judge, so we'll see. The best signing we've made as I write this on 29th July, is Marcel Brands as director of football from PSV, a bloke who so far has said all the right things, and in Richarlison bought someone who may be able to change a game. However what we really need is a centre back to partner Keane, who will be a great footballing defender, given the same partner for more than one game in a row, and a left back. Jags and Baines are both getting well past their sell bys, and Williams is just fucking awful. I suspect we can't give him away, so perhaps it's best to have him shot and turned into glue to hold Woodison Park together for another year while we wait for the mythical new ground to start appearing, mirage-like at Bramley Dock. I won't be holding my breath.
It will take three or four transfer windows to sort our mess out, so yet another forgettable season beckons. Frankly, all I want this year is to avoid relegation and win a cup, as it will be 24 long years since we last won a pot at the end of this coming season!

Final table:

Man City

Liverpool

Tottenham

Arsenal

Chelsea

Man Utd

Everton

Burnley

Crystal Palace 

Leicester

Wolves

Newcastle

Southampton

West Ham

Bournemouth

Fulham

Huddersfield

Watford

Brighton

Cardiff

FA Cup: Arsenal

League Cup: Everton (sigh...)

Chumps League: Boris Johnson

Cobblers: Last day survival, both in a footballing and fiscal sense 

First managerial sacking: Whoever's in charge at Watford