The 2020/21 Premier League Predictions Show (Part 17)

It’s that time again – except it isn’t, that time is usually the beginning of August rather than when autumn starts throwing shitty sticks at everyone. As usual, myself and my dear friend Roger have wasted everyone’s time with our pointless tallywacker – it’s just a bit of fun, ennit.

2020/21 Premier League Predictions

1^st Man City – I think City will pip a four-way title race, probably with a game to spare and with considerably less points than recent years; this is going to be the season about the best managers with the most even squads and the top four will have those squads. Pep’s guile will see them through. They will be dynamic at times, but beatable.

2^nd Liverpool – I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re there or thereabouts for the entire season without ever being in pole position. Some teams will suss them out after a season of playing them; tactics will change against them and they will be less effective. Due an injury crisis.

3^rd Man Utd – there will be times when you think you’re watching the United of old and there will be the times when a serious title challenge looks a million miles away. They will lead for periods, but never look like winning. Solskjaer might struggle to get them as consistent as their fans would hope and that will continue to haunt him when ‘better’ managers get linked with his job.

4^th Chelsea – the inexperience will matter and despite extensive investment, Lampard will lose out to Solskjaer in the race for just 3^rd place. They will evoke memories of the past by leading the pack at times, but that will be the nature of the beast next season, I think. The top four teams of last season are still way ahead of the chasing pack and they’ve all done business or probably have enough in reserve to go another season without being seriously threatened.

5^th Arsenal – that said, Woolwich has done good business, I expect they will believe for long periods of the season that a top four place might be achievable, especially if one of those above falter, but I believe they will always be at least two wins away from catching the tail, however, this season they will (sadly) be too good for the chasing pack. Woolwich fans will be able to brag that they’re in a league of their own…

6^th Wolves – There will be no European football next season for Wolves and you would think that would play into their hands perfectly, but the race for the last European spot will have heated up more than ever and they will end up hoping one of the teams above win a cup or two, if they can’t squeeze into the last place.

7^th Tottenham – And there you have it – not 8th. That’s the level of confidence I have in my team and their poisonous has been of a manager. Nothing that has happened pre-season to make me think we have a foreskin’s chance at a circumcision of winning anything – Hojbjerg is an average alternative to what we already had, but at least it will shake things up. The imminent arrival of Wolves’ Matt Doherty at right back does little to inspire when rivals are splashing £50m on their own full back, but he does have form. Oh and… Joe Hart… FFS – who is already claiming he’s better than Hugo Lloris. I don’t believe we will play attractive football, we will draw far too many matches and be picked apart by far more adventurous teams. The hunger and passion has evaporated and we don’t see anywhere near enough of the dazzling attacking play that made us so dangerous. It will be a season of deep disappointment scarred by pointless defeats, humiliating cup exits and a growing clamour for the removal of the manager who, of course, will blame everything on someone else. Will he be sacked? It may happen if we’re mid-table and out of the EFL and Europa cups, but it depends on how much it will cost penny-pinching Daniel Levy.

8^th Everton – is the spiritual brother of Spurs - so much potential and yet so little achievement. Everton’s problem is they have a great manager and a disjointed, unbalanced squad with far too many average players. A huge amount of investment is needed and the ability to attract top players to their side. They need quality in most positions and I don’t see them getting it, just yet, however the signings of Dacoure, Allan and Hammez Rodriguez could be just what they need to get the ball rolling. They might, as I always predict, confound expectations and win a cup.

9^th Leicester – This will be a disappointing year for Brendan ‘3-2-1’ Rodgers because they just won’t be good enough to maintain the chase, especially with Europa Cup involvement and a reasonably untested squad of fringe players. Vardy might not shine as bright and I can heads dropping.

10^th Southampton – this will be classed as an achievement, but only just. The Saints will finish last in the top 10 race, but they will have a cushion over the bottom half of the table, which will, at times, have been as tight as the top. They’ll beat teams above and below, but not enough to progress the way their manager probably would expect. They need to spend money and convince players to join. Tough call.

11^th Leeds – Speaking of tough calls: what Leeds will return to the Premier League? Will it be the slick team that threatened the Champions League in 2000 or the one that sank without a trace in 2004? Marcelo Bielsa is a bit of a legend amongst other managers and this team with its youth and fearlessness will be interesting to watch. I expect they will do enough to never be threatened, too much, with relegation.

12^th Burnley – It might be time for Sean Dyche to see if he really is a top manager and to do that he needs to be offered a better job. What he achieves with his – on paper – average side harks back to Allardyce turning Bolton into players. This coming season they will have to settle for second best of the rest.

13^th West Ham – David Moyes probably isn’t the man to take this club forward and I kind of expect Eddie Howe to take over by Christmas and that would be a good fit. They will be little more than makeweights and will be fearful of losing their top players to better clubs.

14^th Sheffield Utd – forecasting second season syndrome is like shooting fish in a barrel, but many have confounded the experts and done well. The Blades need to stay in the top flight and survival is key. Their debut season was beyond expectations, but this year the board will just be happy to be in the mix for a third season in the elite. Chris Wilder, like Dyche, is a manager with a growing reputation, he might need to leave his beloved club to realise that potential.

15^th Crystal Palace – Will always find what they need to avoid being dragged into a relegation battle while always being on the fringes of it. They need to score goals. This could be Woy’s swan song.

16^th Fulham – the bane of my predicting life, them and QPR. I expect Scott Parker’s job this season is not to repeat the last time they were in the top flight and to ensure they get a second consecutive one. Will play some good football and pull off a shock or two (probably against Spurs), but will have long periods of nothing going right for them.

17^th Brighton – Perm any three from four; these will be one of the teams that will ping-pong between the bottom places and minimum safety all season – the bottom will be as tight as the top at times. They will have enough.

18^th Newcastle – The Bar Codes might find the more even playing field they had gifted to them last season might be a tad more difficult this. Unlikely to sign anyone with real quality, they will slowly drift into the drop zone more through inability to get points in key matches than through being really poor.

19^th Aston Villa – out of their depth and out of time, although a prime candidate to become the new boomerang side. The thing is they do have an advantage over teams with higher aspirations; they are Aston Villa and they’ve been champions of England and Europe inside the lifetime of many; whether they’re sleeping giants or decomposing relics is a tough one, but they won’t have enough to beat the drop this time.

20^th West Brom – I fear I won’t be the only person who puts WBA at the bottom of the heap. I do believe that all of the bottom 8 clubs will be involved in a relegation battle at some point all season, but I fear the Albion might not have the staying power and when the going gets tough they could do a Norwich.

FA Cup – Man Utd

League Cup – Everton

Champions League – Bayern Munich

Europa League – Arsenal (just to rub Spurs’ fans noses in it some more)

Cobblers – 17^th but safe.

Stenhousemuir – 5^th and battling for a play-off shot.

Meanwhile, down the road in Shoesville...

Football under Covid restrictions without crowds is like the skiing down Pavonis Mons. There’s no atmosphere, and the end is never in sight. Still it’s better than no footy at all I suppose. The tiny gap between last season and this one means I have approximately five minutes to get this done, which gives me a better excuse than usual for my wayward predictions. Here goes…

1^st - Man City – It’s them or the unmentionables, as those two are still way ahead of the rest, so I have to hope that Pep is sufficiently riled by the runaway success of them in Red down the East Lancs road, that he can steer Citeh back to the summit. Of the two title contenders Citeh have more strength in depth, is my more logical assumption. Even so, £41m for Nathan Ake?! Wotdefook?

2^nd Liverpool – Like Citeh, they have made very few additions, and shipped a few out, so it’s as you were. They are a couple of injuries away from having their burgeoning ambitions checked. I hope.

3^rd Chelsea – Of the top half clubs in this list, only two clubs have made significant additions, and in addition Chelsea have spent more than anyone. With no pre-season, it remains to be seen how those additions work out, but on that basis, and just to vary my top 4 from Phil’s, I predict 3^rd.

4^th Man Utd – Got better as the season went on, stopped, and eventually stuttered over the line. The season, not Utd. I reckon they will keep up the improvement, but I don’t think they have enough quality to go higher than 4^th. A largish gap to 5^th.

5^th Arsenal – In transfer terms, the Arse have long been stingier than their more famously tight-fisted neighbours, but looking at their acquisitions, they have done some canny business. This time their Chelsea cast-off looks like a steal. Willian has more class in his pinky than that perennially overrated lummox with the excessive hair at the back. Plus, they can’t be a crap as last season, surely?

6^th Everton – Yes, it’s another stupidly hopeful punt for my lot. Last season, Everton’s slothful excuse for a midfield were practising social distancing before it was a thing, only their safe measure was about 15 metres, leaving massive holes for any opposition with its wits about it to exploit at will.

However… Everton are second only to Chelsea in squad-altering acquisitions this term, and if (it’s a big if), Rodriguez, Allan, and Dacoure gel quickly, we have a decent team. Nowt in the way of back up, as most of last season’s deadwood is still here. Our wage bill must be eye-watering, and I wonder how we will get under the FFP radar, if my daft prediction of 6^th, and thereby European qualification comes true.

Our first game is away to Spuds, and crap as they might be, on their ground we are worse, as we haven’t won at WHL (is it still called that?) since 1806. It’s the hope that kills you.

7^th Tottenham – Unable or unwilling to throw enough money at the team when they reached the lofty heights of successive Chumps League qualification to turn them into true Championship contenders, an inevitable gradual decline has since set in. When [one of] your big signing[s] is Joe Hart on a free, the measure of the club’s current ambition is clear for all to see. That lovely new stadium is going to take some paying off, it seems.

They will still beat us in the opening fixture though, that is almost guaranteed. And they might win a cup.

8^th Wolves – Another more than decent team with a charismatic manager, but I suspect they have hit a ceiling. Ask Spurs what happens then – ennui sets in and it all goes a bit “meh”.

9^th Leicester – Vardy ain’t getting any younger is he?

…

This is where it gets a tad difficult. Everything down to 9^th is fairly obvious (pretend you didn’t see Everton in there), but below that it is a lottery. It will be as tight as Cher’s face.

…

10^th Leeds – The safe bet is that Southampton are the best of the rest, but I fancy Leeds, who will either hit these dizzy heights or go straight back down again, such is the unknown quantity factor. Unlike Phil, I know nowt about their manager, but it seems he is fawned over by llamas back home. He seems a bit mad, which is always good.

11^th – Burnley – This one really depends if Sean Dyche isn’t tempted by a bigger club who need saving from relegation round about mid-season, whenever that is, with the prospect of better things to come. Newcastle, maybe, if they have finally unburdened themselves of Mike Ashley. If Dyche goes they could fall faster than the UK’s current international reputation.

12^th Southampton – I like Ralph Hassenhutl (I had to look up how to spell his surname, I admit!). He’s like Klopp’s sane brother. Maybe that’s the problem, he’s a little too safe. As for the club, they’re another one that without significant investment will never be more than makeweights. I wonder how their pre-season management planning meetings go? It must be difficult raising excitement levels above a sleepy torpor. I recommend Ralph turns up in lederhosen.

13^th West Ham – The best of the also-rans. Moyes does what Moyes does best. No surprises.

14^th Crystal Palace – Under Woy, Palace have put in a trademark application for 14^th. This assumes Zaha stays, and stays relatively injury-free. If he goes, probably three or four places lower.

15^th Fulham – This high only due to the size of the owner’s wallet.

16^th Sheffield Utd – They might be lucky to stay up, but I’ll give them 16^th, through the sheer force of will of their boss. Can’t see a repeat of last year’s unexpected heights, as they lack the surprise factor this time round.

17^th Aston Villa – I have always had a soft spot for the Villains, them being the other half of the oldest and most played top flight fixture. Dean Smith is an identikit “tough guy” English boss, in the manner of Dyche. It may be only his strength of character that keeps them up.

18^th Brighton – Like Southampton only worse. Would give their fish’n’chip suppers to be that average.

19^th Newcastle – I used to laugh at the Barcodes, a club and a fanbase with delusions of grandeur, yet they have won diddly in my lifetime, apart from maybe a Fairs Cup? Now, I just feel sorry for them. “Mike Ashley is a cunt” must be the most repeated phrase of any Barcode, now being shouted on every street corner in Toon after the much anticipated Saudi takeover went tits up, possibly because the sheikhs couldn’t countenance subsidising a man who probably aspires to a similar or worse human rights record. Until the fat controller sells up, you can’t see them progressing at all.

It’s amazing they have kept hold of Joelinton (so far, there’s still time), the one bright spark in a stripey sludge of average. The only other thing that would keep them up, apart from a takeover, is the roar of 50000 Geordies at every home game. With no prospect of that for the foreseeable, they are royally fucked, m’lud.

20^th West Brom – If ever a club has “bottom” stamped on its arse as the door slams on it, it’s West Brom, a club who aspire to be dour.

FA Cup – Spurs

League Cup – Spurs under-12s

I have no opinion on other trophies.

The Cobblers – lucky to stay up.

***

And that concludes the vote from the English ones.