We were once known as The Wippo Brothers & Clive.
***
As
is now well know, my predictions come from Missed It Meg, the most
unreliable wizard in the universe, and a seer whose stygmatism inflicted
second sight peers myopically through bottle-bottom thick glasses.
Meg's predictions are to reliability what the Labour
Party is to credible opposition politics, or, if I have to spell it
out, a fucking shambles...so, here goes:
AFC Bournemouth
Will
veer between 11th and 17th and could finish anywhere in that range.
Already there have been seven unspectacular additions to the squad,
replacing six leavers and this will mean they will remain the Premier
League's yo-yo team, up and down like the Assyrian Empire. I predict
they will beat Spurs at home.
Arsenal
As
a Toffee it is always galling listening to the interminable moaning of
Gooners, but I can grudgingly understand their grouching given the
unspent zillions under Arsene's mattress. About time the craggy old
Frenchy retired methinks, or is it Wenger's plan to peg it in the dug
out?. They'll do enough to scrape 4th as ever, having at some point been
top and looking unbeatable. Plus ca change...
Burnley
I
know as much about Burnley than I do about lathe maintenance. Bottom, I
reckon...which probably means Europa League qualification beckons. Will
draw with Spurs at WHL.
Chelsea
Blimey,
that Kunte Kante fella makes Jose look reserved, does he not? Have
already spent over £60m of loose change on two new players, expect more
to come, who with the gesticulating bloke should probably take a while
to bed in. 2nd or 3rd.
Crystal Palace
A
sort of classier version of Stoke, occasionally a bit mad, just like
their manager. Will hover round the Useless League places.
Everton
I
was going to hold off writing this prediction thing until we had
actually bought someone, but given our track record that would mean the
season would be a week old already. Even with Moshiri's wallet on board
it seems we have been a bit slow off the mark, the only purchase so far
being Leicester's director of football. An offer has been made for
Witsel who is mulling over a £100K a week contract. ho-hum.
Koeman was the guy I wanted, but then so was Martinez, so who knows what will happen.
The obvious key to any improvement is keeping hold of Lukaku, and to a lesser extent, Barkley and Stones. Never a dull moment at The Old Lady since Moyes left, for sure. We can't do any worse than last season, so I'll go for 6th and a cup!
The obvious key to any improvement is keeping hold of Lukaku, and to a lesser extent, Barkley and Stones. Never a dull moment at The Old Lady since Moyes left, for sure. We can't do any worse than last season, so I'll go for 6th and a cup!
Hull
With
no Barcodes to keep us entertained this season, 'Ull are making an
early bid for the title of the Premier League Comedy Club. What an
omnishables! Down, down deeper and down...
Leicester
My
prediction for the Foxes last season, like most, was waaay off, but at
least I didn't predict them to go down. Surely there's no way they can
repeat last season's miracle? I reckon upper mid-table. Right, I'm off
to put a tenner on them being Champions again...
Liverpool
Klippety
is the first likeable manager the Shite have had since Houlier, and
he's now forging them into his own team, with 13 (!) departures and 6
additions so far. With no Euro distractions, I'm rather scared they'll
do a bit too well for my liking. Only thing stopping them is the new
team bedding in. Top four likely. :(
Man City
The
team who on paper should win it every year. The key word is "team",
which they seldom resemble. Is "The World's Best Manager" the man who
can get them playing like they recognise each other? Hands off Lukaku or
Stones, ye over-monied entitled fuckers...
Man Utd
There
was an early and strong rumour that The Special One would actually take
up a proper challenge (my lot), but unsurprisingly he plumped for the
bottomless loaned wealth of the red half of Manchester. Like their
neighbours they have been very quiet in the transfer market so far,
so...hands off Lukaku or Stones, ye over-monied entitled fuckers...
Middlesbrough
A
similar amount of transfer activity to Bournemouth, but unlike The
Cherries they do not have a year's experience behind them. Will hover
around the drop zone all year, but may survive.
Southampton
They
can't keep rebuilding and thriving each season, surely? Summat has to
give. Another hard one to call. Mid table anonymity along with...
Stoke
...and
Sunderland
You can tell I've had enough of this, can't you?
Swansea
Just
been bought by a Yank, apparently. Good track record, Yanks owning
football clubs, eh? Will scrap it out with the other three teams
beginning with S for 12th.
Tottenham Hotspur
A
great name that sounds like it came out of a boys comic, and a team who
veer between brilliant and scared of their own shadows. The loss to
Bournemouth and the home draw against Burnley will be what ultimately
costs them the title. At least they'll finish above Arsenal at last.
Watford
Goodbye, Vicarage Road... ;)
West Ham
A
almost spanking new and virtually free new ground (the bastards), a
good manager and a good squad. What could possibly go wrong? Everything,
probably, knowing The Hammers.
West Brom
I thought I'd finished this thing then realised I hadn't mentioned The Baggies...in the mix with the "Esses".
The Table:
1. Citeh
2. Spurs
3. Liverpool
4. Arsenal
5. Man Utd
6. Chelsea
7. Everton
8. Leicester
9. Crystal Palace
10. West Ham
11. Southampton
12. Sunderland
13. Stoke
14. West Brom
15. Swansea
16. Bournemouth
17. Middlesbrough
18. Burnley
19. Watford
20. Hull
League Cup: Everton
FA Cup: Everton
Champions League: Not Everton
Useless League: Paraguay
****
And I, for once, am rather more measured (with a surreal caveat)...
I
can't remember an impending football season with so much uncertainty
about it, yet if you read the columns and listen to the early shots from
the pundits you'd think it was already shaping up to be the same old
same old. I don't think it will be as predictable as the experts think.
For a start two new teams in the Champions League; Man Utd in the Europa
Cup and a host of new managers, new players and new grounds.
Oh
and for the first time since I've been doing this (must be 10 years
now), you'll have to wait until the end to find out my positional
predictions.
AFC Bournemouth:
The problem for Eddie Howe's men is the other big problem that hounds
the unexpected survivor of an almost certain relegation - Second Season
Syndrome. The Cherries appear to have spent interestingly without really
raising any eyebrows. The key to a second consecutive survival battle
is not just who is worse but also how they improve on some excellent
results last season. It's going to be tough. Animal Most Like - Possum
Arsenal:
One thing you'd be silly to do is write off Arsenal as a serious top 4
contender, but if you hear some of the pre-season banter from Arsenal
fans on the radio you'd think their season was over already. It would
appear the lack of investment and new players has again mightily pissed
off the fans, who argue, quite rightly at times, that if their team
could only scrape into 2nd in a supposedly woefully inferior last
season, surely some investment is needed to ensure they don't go
backwards. I think they might start to go backwards, especially if
injuries hit them hard early on. Animal Most Like - Wildebeest
Burnley:
I really can't see this being a season with any real high points. They
are not going to do a Leicester and might find themselves way off the
pace from almost the word go. Will win friends and play some good
football, but it just won't ever be enough. Animal Most Like - rabbit
Chelsea:
With no European participation, a slew of new recruits (and more on the
way) and a little more than just their pride at stake, I expect a
faltering season from the former champions, but only because it will
take Conte - the new man - a few months to get it right. The success of
teams around them in Europe could dictate the final standings at the end
of the season. Animal Most Like - Pike
Crystal Palace:
Have been nothing but ambitious in transfers and targets and will fancy
their chances if they hit a rich vein of form - which they are capable
of, especially at home. Will be tough to beat this year and Pardew will
have learnt from the second half of last season. Animal Most Like - Bald eagle
Everton:
One of the real puzzles in this year's league battle. Ronald Koeman
didn't so much transform Southampton as do what you'd expect a manager
to do when he follows someone who has shown the team's vast improvement,
he took it to the next level and Southampton sans some of arguably
their best players were better without them. Koeman also hasn't got big shoes to fill as Roberto Martinez's reign spluttered
to a resounding end and a team with so much potential, in a season when
they should have done so much better, was a flop. They don't appear to
have signed anyone yet and despite having lots of money, this is a
worry, especially if you're a Toffee's fan. Animal Most Like - Panda
Hull:
A club in turmoil. Only 13 fit players in the squad. The manager has
just quit and the club is essentially for sale. I'd have a fiver on them
to win the league. I expect them to go down and badly but I said that
about Leicester last season. Animal Most Like - Your crap dog
Leicester:
And here they are, the Champions. Will they be champions in May. No.
I'm positive of this. They will however begin the season like they
finished last season and will remain tough to beat and difficult to play
against unless you know how to close them down. A decent replacement
for Kante is needed, but who was Kante last August? This is going to be
as tough as old boots for them. Animal Most Like - Lupus Lupus
Liverpool:
No Europe and we all remember what happened last time that happened?
This time they have Jurgen Klopp, a lot of his style of players and
definite signs at times towards the end of last season that a new ethos
was taking shape at Anfield. This team, for the first time in years,
worries me. Animal Most Like - Giraffe
Man City:
The Premier League really is the Champions League of managers this
season and few come bigger than Pep Guardiola. Had the other Special One
not moved into Old Trafford you might have pretty much given the title
to Citeh given the foregone conclusion-ness attached to them. For
Guardiola, read Antonio Conte above, this won't be an easy ride, it will
get better and all the signs will start to show that the future is
scary, but maybe not this year. Animal Most Like - Gorilla
Man Utd:
Determining factors - is Mourinho washed up? Will the Europa League
hinder? Will they even bother with it? Will the weight of expectation
become too high again? There's no denying the quality that's been
brought in and that of those still being negotiated for. I just have a
gut feeling that this could go horribly wrong and it's a real cheat to
say it probably won't but I want to put it out there. Animal Most Like - Hyena
Middlesbrough:
A dark horse for certain survival? There's something about them that
suggests a resilience and staying in the Premier League isn't as
difficult as it once seemed for newly promoted clubs. Have spent wisely
and on some good players. Animal Most Like - Geordies
Southampton:
my underdogs for the relegation zone. The new manager might yet be
another brilliant pick and the academy still continues to churn out
future stars; but it must be hard playing for a club with both a Europa
League campaign and with the knowledge you play for a selling club.
Unlikely to repeat last season and could struggle if things get tough. Animal Most Like - Seal
Stoke:
I'm fed up with writing about Stoke and most years I write bugger all
about them. Will frustrate and flatter to deceive. Mid-table as per. Animal Most Like - Shrew
Sunderland:
David Moyes can turn Jermaine Defoe into a defensive midfielder. Surely
a season of mediocrity but no real flirtation with relegation? Either
this team will improve or no one will change their fortunes for a while.
I think they'll bother neither end of the table. Animal Most Like - a very defensive minded sloth
Swansea:
possibly the bottom has dropped out of Swansea a little and if
Siggurdsson is prised away from them before the window slams shut then I
fear for their future. Animal Most Like - lungfish
Watford: Who knows? What's the new manager like? How will the 30 new recruits slot into the team? Bizarre club. Animal Most Like - Cuckoo
West Ham:
We all know Bilic is a top quality manager. How the Hammers settle into
their new home is a huge uncertainty. Fortress or target? West Ham were
the first team to win at the Emirates, I believe, expect Arsenal to
return the favour. Europa League could hinder league progress a little,
depending on how serious they treat it this year. Animal Most Like - Peacock
West Brom: God, I so hope they go down. Animal Most Like - skunk
Tottenham:
Optimism has never been in plentiful supply with me and my team and
after a brilliant season, the team imploded to remind us all just how
good they are at fucking up when Arsenal are sniffing at their arses. I
expect nothing less than finishing above the Gooners and maybe we have
the makings of doing more than that. The one key factor in Spurs failure
to finish higher than 3rd was their failure to convert matches against
obdurate opponents intent on a draw or nicking the win. The football
they played, by and large, against the so-called big boys was
irresistible at times and there's no reason why that shouldn't continue
even with Champions League commitments. Sensible purchases, early on,
and more brilliant raw talent being promoted from the youth coupled with
something Spurs haven't had for a long time, continuity, means that I'm
actually more than optimistic for them in a season with so many unknown
factors at work. Animal Most Like - Vorlon
The Table:
1. Tottenham
2. Liverpool
3. Man City
4. Chelsea
5. Man Utd
6. Everton
7. Arsenal
8. West Ham
9. Leicester
10. Stoke
11. Crystal Palace
12. Southampton
13. Watford
14. Middlesbrough
15. Sunderland
16. Bournemouth
17. WBA
18. Swansea
19. Burnley
20. Hull City
League Cup: Man City
FA Cup: Chelsea
Champions League: Bayern Munich
Europa League: Kazakhstan Korinthians
