The Annual Football Predictions Blog 2023/24

I don’t think there’s been a more difficult season to predict. New managers, players and teams in the top flight with obvious favourites and teams that will almost certainly struggle to say. While predicting a winner is almost too easy, it will be who goes down that will have the most interest because on last year’s evidence a number of once top teams may find going very hard, especially without the kind of investment needed to just tread water.

For the first time in over a decade, my best friend and Everton supporter Roger is not partaking in this. He's had a shit year and Everton, while still in the Premier League, aren't exactly filling their fans with optimism. So I'm flying solo this season. Let's hope that Everton confound expectations and 2024 is a better year for old Big Nose #1 and he's back here next year with his usual footy witticisms. 

Here’s my forecast for the 2023/24 season:

1. Manchester City – yes, they’ve sold a few players, but I can’t see them being stopped. They have a number of youngsters coming through who look readymade replacements, such as Cole Palmer who dazzled at the Euro U21 championship and scored that peach of a goal in the Charity Shield defeat. I expect no one will stop them, but they will, as usual, slip up a few times to give the chasing pack some hope.

2. Arsenal – as much as it pains me to say, this is a team that has recruited well this summer and will be determined to have another good season despite having extra pressure heaped on them by being back in the Champions League again. They just might be too strong for the chasing pack, but a long way short of actually challenging, but their progress will piss a lot of Spurs fans off.

3. Manchester United – I put them in 3^rd more because I fail to see other teams capitalising. Erik ten Hag has done a good job but I think they’re going to struggle to stay in the race. Some reasonable signings and probably their best manager since SAF, they’re going to be a good bet for winning a domestic cup if Man City takes their eye off the ball.

4. Liverpool – This is my first real gamble. They have lost a few solid players, albeit probably past their prime and the recruitment hasn’t been spectacular, but I think the Europa League will suit Klopp for a season; he can experiment with squad players and concentrate on improving results in the league. It’s going to be a huge race for 4^th this season and I think the Reds will scrape into it.

5. Newcastle United – I think the Champions League will be their domestic league undoing. This is going to be a tough season for a team that seems to have recruited well, but they’re now going to have a target on their backs and the schedule might prove to be a problem. They will still have enough to finish high, but not high enough to continue the meteoric rise Howe’s had since arriving. However 5^th is now the Holy Grail for some teams because from this season it means Champions League qualifiers at least.

6. Tottenham Hotspur – Another optimistic gamble on my part, but frankly even without Harry Kane this is a team with enough ability to be up there. No European commitments, a refreshed squad and a manager with an attacking nature and the desire to bring Spurs football back to Tottenham. They’ve recruited well, considering no European football and the likes of Maddison and Vicario will set a new standard. This will be a huge season and I think the team will rise to the occasion, mainly because they’ve done well with Kane when he’s been injured and I feel his departure will lift the pressure some players have had on them – it’s their turn to shine.

7. Chelsea – the best Pochettino can hope for is European football at the end of his first season. I know Alan Hansen famously said you can’t win anything with kids and was proved extremely wrong, but this Chelsea side is a work in progress; they seem to have signed everybody with potential but it’s going to take time for them to gel. I expect there will be massive highs and disappointing lows and the pressure will be on the former Spurs man to deliver in his second season, which is a long way away.

8. Aston Villa – 8^th is going to seem like a massive disappointment, especially considering they’ve signed some top players, but the Europa Conference was a real hindrance to West Ham and I think Unai Emery’s men are going to find the Thursday/Sunday schedule tough to get used to. They will take big points off the top teams but may well struggle against teams they should beat. Might win the Conference, they have a squad that should be better than the rest.

9. Brighton – another team that is going to find Europe extremely tough going and you can’t escape the fact they’re a selling club and need to ensure those they’ve lost are replaced with equally good players, which seems unlikely. Will continue to play lovely football, but may struggle away from home.

10. Crystal Palace – my personal jury is out regarding Woy Hodgson but they have a squad that is more than capable of being better than the rest. 10^th is about as good as any Palace fan can expect given the quality that usually finish above them and while there’s no doubt they won’t be involved in a relegation fight, they’re also not going to be involved in a European chase either.

11. Burnley – if Vincent Kompany is as good a coach as many believe him to be and with the very canny signings he’s made, I think the Lancashire club are going to surprise a lot of people and won’t be anywhere near a relegation fight. James Trafford is an excellent signing from Man City and he will stake a claim to be England’s 2026 goalkeeper. This is a side that will upset a lot of teams.

12. West Ham – losing Declan Rice was tough, but given the quality of some of the relegation fodder, David Moyes should be able to juggle the Europa League with a safe EPL finish quite easily. Despite little recruitment, this is largely the same squad that many thought would be challenging for a Top six place and while they didn’t do that they did win a European trophy and that will galvanise the team.

13. Fulham – why so low given what a cracking season they had on their return to the top flight? I think they’re going to find teams will expose the gaps this team has and if Mitrovic goes I struggle to see where their goals are going to come from. I doubt they’ll be involved in a relegation dog fight but Marco Silva might start to wonder why he didn’t take the Saudi shekels when they offered them.

14. Everton – even without serious recruitment Sean Dyche will do what he did with Burnley and make this team too good to go down and better than the six team below them. The threat of relegation will hang over them but I think the gap between Everton and the bottom five will be telling by season’s end.

15. Brentford – this could be the story of a season of two halves – one without Toney and one with. Brentford needs to at the very least tread water until their goal scoring talisman returns from his extremely long betting ban. Thomas Frank is a great manager, but this is going to be a tough season for the Bees because a lot of teams will have sussed out how they play and be prepared for it. A relegation fight isn’t out of the question, but ultimately they’re going to be too good for the bottom five…

16. Bournemouth – regardless of the reputation of their new manager and what can be classed as a bolstering of the squad, Bournemouth are going to struggle to stay in the Premier League, but will probably achieve it by virtue of not being the worst team and taking vital points off of all their rivals.

17. Nottm Forest – I don’t expect Chris Cooper will be in charge by the end of the season; he may well be the first managerial casualty. This is a club that appears to have thrown caution and money to the wind in its recruitment policy and that might be the one thing that keeps them up – they have some good players.

18. Wolves – this is a huge gamble and could depend on whether Julen Lopetegui stays. If he goes I can’t see this team getting enough points to stay in the league, but even if he stays I don’t think Wolves have recruited much at all, don’t appear to have any money and there’s a feeling that all is not well at Molineux. I don’t expect he’ll be sacked, but I do expect he’ll walk before Christmas if things are looking perilous, if that happens they’re doomed.

19. Sheffield United – I don’t know if they’ve recruited well, I expect they’re going to be hoping that teams struggling in the relegation zone last season won’t have improved and they can scrape a second season by virtue of not being one of the worst. I can’t see them doing anything but struggling, but I expect them to take at least 3pts off of Spurs because they do that whenever they’re in the top flight.

20. Luton – might spring a few surprises, will draw a lot of games, but in the end the lack of quality and sheer weight of the task ahead of them is going to be too much. They could rival Swindon and Derby for the title of worst team ever to play in the EPL.

FA Cup winners - Man City

League Cup winners - Man City

Champions League winners - Bayern Munich 

The Annual Football Predictions Blog 2022/23

Getting on for 15 years now Roger and I have been doing this and for a wee while at the back of last season it looked like it might come to an end, for a season at least, but Everton stayed in the Premier League, while Spurs did the unlikely thing and qualified for the Champions League. It was a season of contrasts and I expect the thought of having to do one of these and try and be positive about your own team's chances can't be much fun...

Obviously, these always come out before the start of the season, which means some big business might have been done after our predictions, but generally we can't complain - neither of us are that accurate, but we're always there or thereabouts with the odd rogue - one of us had Leicester being relegated the year they won it!

Here's Roger to kick things off:

Phil has insisted we do this thing again. Last season I was way off, as were my team who only survived due to there being enough teams who were actually worse than than the inept shower I've supported since a choice between Everton and L****poo* was forced on me by dad, who quite reasonably told me to choose between Roger Hunt and Alan Ball and the teams they played for, as you can't follow both. Bally it was then, as he was my favourite player in 1968. Which was hundreds of years ago, when people were shorter and lived by the water. Everton occasionally won things back then, too. Anyway...

1st - Manchester City

There really is no reason to bet against them continuing their dominance, is there?

2nd - Chelsea

Second will more than likely be L****poo* again, but you've got to have hope haven't you? Chelsea by their standards have so far bought hardly anyone, and Raheem Sterling is hardly the player to take them up a notch. They have trimmed their huge squad by about 73 players too, so they've no chance of coming second really.

3rd - Liverpool

They'll miss Mane an awful lot, and Mo Salad will miss him the most. It's the hope that kills you.

4th - Arsenal

Gabriel Jesus & Zinchenko are class buys, and might be enough to edge Spurs out of fourth place. In the real world, where Chelsea will be third, they may even give them a run for their money. Trouble is its Arsenal, who always go flaky at some point.

5th - Spurs

The bastards bought our best player and one of two reasons on the pitch why we stayed up last time, for a frankly ridiculous £60m, along with the usual handful of forrins I've never heard of. Hooevvuh, the other players they've acquired don't seem to be of the class of Arsenal's signings, so unless they have a surprise or two still to arrive, they might slip a place this season.

6th - West Ham

With last season's experience filed away, I reckon the Moyesiah will have enough guile this time to get and stay ahead of a very average Man Utd.

7th - Man Utd

Who 's this Lisandro Martinez, then? A bit of an unknown quantity this time round, as Utd have a new boss with no prior Prem experience. After the honeymoon period, I can't see them doing anything other than sliding further down the table. I'm probably utterly wrong.

A BIG gap to..

8th - Newcastle

Unbridled optimism has never been in short supply at the Barcodes, but this season there is actually a basis for it, given their new owners' bottomless pockets and no FFP to worry about for a couple of seasons. Surely Newcastle can't fuck up having loads of money in the hilarious way Everton have? I think Eddie Howe has it in him to take them to the next level, but the Saudis probably won't have the patience. When they lose a couple of games, they might publically execute him on the pitch, or chop his right hand off, or summat.

9th - Fulham

There's always one promoted club who do better than expected, but Fulham, another club with cash oozing out of every pore are probably actually expected to finish about here, so...

10th - Crystal Palace

Patrick Viera has got Palace playing decent football, which given their history of lumpen prole hoofing is quite remarkable. Will be doing battle with their monied rivals at Craven Cottage all season.

There is nothing to choose between the teams finishing 11th, 12th and 13th, I might as well put them in alphabetical order. Oh... I have

11th - Leicester City

12th - Southampton

13th - Wolverhampton Wanderers

14th - Aston Villa

Yawn

15 - Brighton & Hove Albion

There's a lot of teams in this thing, ain't there?

16th - Everton

It's hard work being a Evertonian. Escaping relegation by the width of a toffee wrapper last time, thanks mainly to some amazing home support in the last few games, and of course Richarlison's goals, and Pickford's saves, I can't see anything but another struggle this time. With no money to spend, so far we've bought two players from a relegated team, sold our best player and not replaced him so far. If DCL doesn't find his form, and quickly, we are well and truly fucked. But there are three or four teams who look even worse on paper. It's that hope thing again...

17th - Brentford

What are they even doing here? Their average league position throughout their history is 10th in the old Third Division. However, given the woeful nature of the three teams below, they'll escape on goal difference on the final day.

18th - Bournemouth

This season's yo-yo club are yo-yoing straight back down.

19th - Leeds Utd

They had two very good players last season. They've sold them both. Nuff said.

20th - Nottingham Forest

Looks like they've bought and loaned an entire new team. A big risk. It won't pay off.

 

Chumps League - Look, I really don't care. To me, this is a fantasy competition.

FA Cup - Look, I really don't care. To me, this is a fantasy competition.

League Cup - Look, I really don't care. To me, this is a fantasy competition.

And that was Roger as we know and love him, brimming with optimism and waxing lyrically about his favoured sport…

 This year I'm going to do my half a little differently, mainly because I fancy a change.

The Top 4: Man City, Liverpool, Spurs, Chelsea.

In that order. It will be very little change but it might be a lot closer in points total. City have Haaland who appears to be able to score goals simply by farting at the ball; Liverpool has strengthened and they won't miss Mane and I think Tuchel at Chelsea will struggle to get consistency from his team and might possibly not be there at the end of next season.

Antonio Conte's busy transforming Spurs and I think the six signings so far are a great addition to the squad that now needs some trimming. I don't think they can challenge for the title, but they won't be that far behind and this season I think they might break a couple of their hoodoos.

5th to 7th: Man Utd, Arsenal, West Ham.

Ten Haag has done enough to set United back in the right direction, but it won't be plain sailing and they'll hit some bumpy patches. Arteta has done some interesting recruiting and the Arse will improve, but not enough and it will start to feel as though 6th is roughly what they'll get until the stagnation can be addressed properly. The Hammers are better than every team below them.

8th to 11th: Newcastle, Aston Villa, Leicester, Palace.

I'm reluctant putting the Bar Codes so high up because they haven't spent much and I think the three teams I have below them could easily finish 8th. Villa will see this as progress. Ted Rogers might see his star wane some more and Palace are better than every team below them.

12th to 17th: Wolves, Brighton, Brentford, Everton, Leeds, Fulham.

The only things I have to say about this is Everton are rubbish and have been fucked up by poor ownership, bad choices and spaffing too much money on bang average players. They will have a dreadful season, but I don't think they will flirt quite as dangerously with relegation this season. I also changed my mind about Fulham; I had them going down, but I've relented because they're stronger now than they were the two previous times they were in the top flight when I had them finishing mid table both times.

18th to 20th and Relegated: Southampton, Nottm Forest, Bournemouth.

It will be a south coast disaster. Hassenhutl's luck will run out and Forest and Bournemouth won't have the quality over 38 games. These are the three teams that will score the least amount of goals and accrue the least amount of points, therefore they're all fucked. 

Champions League: I can't see any other team other than Spurs. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

FA Cup: I can't see any other team other than Spurs. 😂😂😂😂

League Cup: I can't see any other team other than Spurs. 😂😂😂

* The higher amount of emojis the more unlikely I think it is

... And there you have it. Another year of being close-ish lies ahead. It would be nice if another 'Leicester Year' can be had, it shakes things up, but it's unlikely.

The Annual Football Predictions Blog 2021/22

The Annual Premier League Predictions Blog 2021/22

Last season, between Roger and me, we managed to pretty much forecast an accurate picture of how we felt last season would end. There were obviously the glaring mistakes, but in general we did okay, especially considering we guessed our own teams’ finishing positions spot on, which is both excellent and a little bit sad.

In the twelve months since that blog; Spurs have lost their arsehole and Everton’s manager proved to be an arsehole and now both teams start a new season with new managers and little optimism. Liverpool have lost their World Heritage standing, mainly because of the proposed Everton stadium at the docks and Spurs lost £200million in unrecoverable income and fell, like a stone, out of the top four and back into mid-table mediocrity. If the Toffees learn anything from this season, it’s likely to be two-fold: 1) don’t waste your money and years of the club’s time building a new stadium and 2) don’t employ your biggest rival’s ex-manager, possibly a few years after his peak. The similarities with Spurs are never-ending…

So… how do we see the forthcoming season unfolding? Personally, and I expect Roger feels the same way, the enthusiasm, optimism and hope we’ve both had at times over the last decade has almost completely disappeared and the prospect of another long and potentially boring season is very real. Here’s what I think:

1^st: Man City – especially if they sign Kane and Grealish. I don’t really have a problem with Citeh the way I do United or Chelsea, Arsenal or Liverpool, but they’re proving that there’s no longer such a thing as a level playing field and I expect they will run away with the title this season, even without world class additions.

2^nd: Chelsea – I don’t care where they finish as long as they don’t win any more trophies. The Poor Man’s Man City is a dislikeable bunch of worthless cunts and I’d like to see them lose every match they play in. They have overtaken Arsenal in my personal hatred charts.

3^rd: Man Utd – the Manchester dominance won’t continue, just. Good signings, Ole getting the hang of managing a proper side and the ability to grind out enough results to keep them in touch with the real challengers. They’re never going to be what they were, at least not in my lifetime. Still good enough to stay in the top 4 for the foreseeable future.

4^th: Liverpool – and so the top four is a repeat of last year. Liverpool peaked eighteen months ago and have been overtaken by at least three teams; plus not a huge amount has happened on the transfer front – running to stand still. Might win a cup.

5^th: Leicester – knocking on the door again and will be unlucky not to break into the top 4; will suffer from their usual slumps at the most inconvenient times.

6^th: There will be quite a gap between 5^th and 6^th and for the first time in years I’m hard pressed to see a finishing order for the lower European places. West Ham are in the Europa; Spurs are in the Conference, Aston Villa have reinforced extremely well, but lost Grealish and Everton are again in transition and likely to play extremely dull football to grind out results; so who is going to finish 6^th? Let’s have a punt on Leeds United. No Europe, good recruitment, top manager. I see a big improvement coming.

7^th: Spurs – it pains me to forecast them so far down the table, but this is as optimistic as I can get. I like Nuno Espirito Santo; I think he’s a nice guy. I don’t expect he’ll see two years out, especially if Pochettino continues to be linked with a return (although that depends on how far Spurs fall). I also suspect Spurs will get through to the Europa Conference final – whether they win it or not is another matter. It is a horrible time to be a fan of this team. They have plummeted from contenders to has-beens in the space of two seasons and that has been largely down to ENIC’s failure to invest in players when they were needed and then being kicked in the teeth by COVID when they were ready to make themselves lots of cash from the new stadium, American football, rock concerts and boxing matches – football was always going to be low down that list, now… Levy needs to spend some of those billions squirrelled away or simply sell up and get a progressive owner in. Sad times but some encouraging signings and the promise of getting rid of more deadwood and bringing a few youngsters through. As long as we’re entertaining and challenging in a couple of cups, I don’t mind a season of low expectations.

8^th: Everton – I expect the same from the perennial underachievers of the 21^st Century. Benitez’s appointment is likely to be as successful as Mourinho at Spurs or anyone at Celtic at the moment, which is damning but also probably accurate. Their season was probably summed up the other morning when Rafa said that James Rodriguez was surplus to requirements and should look for another club. This is their only world class footballer and for a club mired in a child sex abuse scandal with one of their other senior players, I expect things will only get worse before they ever get better…

9^th: Arsenal – they are in more of a decline than Spurs. The manager will be sacked by Christmas and it will be an uphill struggle from then on.

10^th: West Ham – the Europa League will do them. A return to mediocrity.

11^th: Aston Villa – even without Grealish they’re still almost capable of top half; it’s whether their signings are as good as they’re believed to be. It’s a tough league for the top 10 and they might just miss out.

12^th: Crystal Palace – this will be seen as an improvement and a step in the right direction for new boss Patrick Vierra.

13^th: Wolves – new manager, poor recruitment; one wonders what the owners are thinking. Probably enough to stay out of trouble.

14^th: Southampton – the end of Hassenhutl and a season of struggle.

15^th: Brentford – a valiant effort, will shock many teams at home; will do more than enough to survive.

16^th: Brighton – Graham Potter is touted as a great upcoming manager; Brighton will play nice football and still struggle all season.

17^th: Newcastle – skin of their arses time. Bruce will somehow manage to keep his job all season.

18^th: Burnley – Dyche’s swansong? It’s time this team’s luck ran out.

19^th: Norwich – as doomed as they were last time; likely to have lost their best players by the time the season really gets going.

20^th: Watford – doomed. End of.

 

FA Cup: Rotherham

League Cup: Wycombe

Champions League: Lokomotiv Plovdiv

Europa League: Wales

Europa Conference: The Moldovan Figure Skating Movement.

 

And now for Roger’s effort. I call it an effort although he didn’t put much into it. However, where I have eschewed humour for a more serious approach this season, he’s filled in the void left…

***

I can't remember being less enthusiatic about a new football season than for the forthcoming round of predictable fare, for, well forever. My lot have finally had FFP caught up with them, and after 5 years and now 6 managers, the ability to spend has been severely curtailed by the regulations. In a close season when the usual suspects continue to spaff cash at players without a care in the world, Everton, once a big club in the increasingly dim distant past, are now going to be slugging it out for a top half finish with the also-rans.

 

The way FFP "works", it seems to me to be a fairly pointless exercise as the gap between the Big Six and the rest gets ever wider, making bridging that gap more and more difficult for once big players like Everton. I am coming to the conclusion that the Euro Super League thing should be allowed to go ahead. At least it would give our league some genuine excitement. Still, it could be worse, I could support the Cobblers.

1st - Man Utd - Look, it would be too easy to say Citeh, again. Utd have spaffed well, and I fancy them to give it a right go.

2nd - Man City - They have probably spaffed in fine fashion too, but I can't be bothered to check. Even real Citeh fans must be getting bored by now, surely?

3rd - Chelsea - That Tuchel fella looks like he knows what he's doing. I fancy Roman to blow his face off with a sawn-off shotgun as the culmination of a bloodbath in Knightsbridge.

4th - Leicester - This time, they'll get their noses in front of the Shite. He hopes....

5th - Liverpool - Fuckity fuckity fuck...

6th - Arsenal - With an average squad age of 13, the Gooners could find those late night matches hard to cope with. Expect them to be top at some point, and then lose 5 on the trot. As per normal, then.

7th/8th/9th/10th - Perm any combination of Spurs, Villa, Leeds, Everton. I'm afraid West Ham will slide back into the anonymous middle bit, now they've got away fixtures in Ulan Bator on Thursday nights to contend with.

This middle bit makes me want to go for a shit. I really don't care.

Will Brentford stay up? No. Neither will Watford or Narch.

The Cup - Aston Villa

League Cup - Aston Villa

Right... now to go and do something useful, like string my ukulele.

***

And that's all they wrote. Who will be closer to the truth? Last season it was just about a tie.

 

The 2020/21 Premier League Predictions Show (Part 17)

It’s that time again – except it isn’t, that time is usually the beginning of August rather than when autumn starts throwing shitty sticks at everyone. As usual, myself and my dear friend Roger have wasted everyone’s time with our pointless tallywacker – it’s just a bit of fun, ennit.

2020/21 Premier League Predictions

1^st Man City – I think City will pip a four-way title race, probably with a game to spare and with considerably less points than recent years; this is going to be the season about the best managers with the most even squads and the top four will have those squads. Pep’s guile will see them through. They will be dynamic at times, but beatable.

2^nd Liverpool – I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re there or thereabouts for the entire season without ever being in pole position. Some teams will suss them out after a season of playing them; tactics will change against them and they will be less effective. Due an injury crisis.

3^rd Man Utd – there will be times when you think you’re watching the United of old and there will be the times when a serious title challenge looks a million miles away. They will lead for periods, but never look like winning. Solskjaer might struggle to get them as consistent as their fans would hope and that will continue to haunt him when ‘better’ managers get linked with his job.

4^th Chelsea – the inexperience will matter and despite extensive investment, Lampard will lose out to Solskjaer in the race for just 3^rd place. They will evoke memories of the past by leading the pack at times, but that will be the nature of the beast next season, I think. The top four teams of last season are still way ahead of the chasing pack and they’ve all done business or probably have enough in reserve to go another season without being seriously threatened.

5^th Arsenal – that said, Woolwich has done good business, I expect they will believe for long periods of the season that a top four place might be achievable, especially if one of those above falter, but I believe they will always be at least two wins away from catching the tail, however, this season they will (sadly) be too good for the chasing pack. Woolwich fans will be able to brag that they’re in a league of their own…

6^th Wolves – There will be no European football next season for Wolves and you would think that would play into their hands perfectly, but the race for the last European spot will have heated up more than ever and they will end up hoping one of the teams above win a cup or two, if they can’t squeeze into the last place.

7^th Tottenham – And there you have it – not 8th. That’s the level of confidence I have in my team and their poisonous has been of a manager. Nothing that has happened pre-season to make me think we have a foreskin’s chance at a circumcision of winning anything – Hojbjerg is an average alternative to what we already had, but at least it will shake things up. The imminent arrival of Wolves’ Matt Doherty at right back does little to inspire when rivals are splashing £50m on their own full back, but he does have form. Oh and… Joe Hart… FFS – who is already claiming he’s better than Hugo Lloris. I don’t believe we will play attractive football, we will draw far too many matches and be picked apart by far more adventurous teams. The hunger and passion has evaporated and we don’t see anywhere near enough of the dazzling attacking play that made us so dangerous. It will be a season of deep disappointment scarred by pointless defeats, humiliating cup exits and a growing clamour for the removal of the manager who, of course, will blame everything on someone else. Will he be sacked? It may happen if we’re mid-table and out of the EFL and Europa cups, but it depends on how much it will cost penny-pinching Daniel Levy.

8^th Everton – is the spiritual brother of Spurs - so much potential and yet so little achievement. Everton’s problem is they have a great manager and a disjointed, unbalanced squad with far too many average players. A huge amount of investment is needed and the ability to attract top players to their side. They need quality in most positions and I don’t see them getting it, just yet, however the signings of Dacoure, Allan and Hammez Rodriguez could be just what they need to get the ball rolling. They might, as I always predict, confound expectations and win a cup.

9^th Leicester – This will be a disappointing year for Brendan ‘3-2-1’ Rodgers because they just won’t be good enough to maintain the chase, especially with Europa Cup involvement and a reasonably untested squad of fringe players. Vardy might not shine as bright and I can heads dropping.

10^th Southampton – this will be classed as an achievement, but only just. The Saints will finish last in the top 10 race, but they will have a cushion over the bottom half of the table, which will, at times, have been as tight as the top. They’ll beat teams above and below, but not enough to progress the way their manager probably would expect. They need to spend money and convince players to join. Tough call.

11^th Leeds – Speaking of tough calls: what Leeds will return to the Premier League? Will it be the slick team that threatened the Champions League in 2000 or the one that sank without a trace in 2004? Marcelo Bielsa is a bit of a legend amongst other managers and this team with its youth and fearlessness will be interesting to watch. I expect they will do enough to never be threatened, too much, with relegation.

12^th Burnley – It might be time for Sean Dyche to see if he really is a top manager and to do that he needs to be offered a better job. What he achieves with his – on paper – average side harks back to Allardyce turning Bolton into players. This coming season they will have to settle for second best of the rest.

13^th West Ham – David Moyes probably isn’t the man to take this club forward and I kind of expect Eddie Howe to take over by Christmas and that would be a good fit. They will be little more than makeweights and will be fearful of losing their top players to better clubs.

14^th Sheffield Utd – forecasting second season syndrome is like shooting fish in a barrel, but many have confounded the experts and done well. The Blades need to stay in the top flight and survival is key. Their debut season was beyond expectations, but this year the board will just be happy to be in the mix for a third season in the elite. Chris Wilder, like Dyche, is a manager with a growing reputation, he might need to leave his beloved club to realise that potential.

15^th Crystal Palace – Will always find what they need to avoid being dragged into a relegation battle while always being on the fringes of it. They need to score goals. This could be Woy’s swan song.

16^th Fulham – the bane of my predicting life, them and QPR. I expect Scott Parker’s job this season is not to repeat the last time they were in the top flight and to ensure they get a second consecutive one. Will play some good football and pull off a shock or two (probably against Spurs), but will have long periods of nothing going right for them.

17^th Brighton – Perm any three from four; these will be one of the teams that will ping-pong between the bottom places and minimum safety all season – the bottom will be as tight as the top at times. They will have enough.

18^th Newcastle – The Bar Codes might find the more even playing field they had gifted to them last season might be a tad more difficult this. Unlikely to sign anyone with real quality, they will slowly drift into the drop zone more through inability to get points in key matches than through being really poor.

19^th Aston Villa – out of their depth and out of time, although a prime candidate to become the new boomerang side. The thing is they do have an advantage over teams with higher aspirations; they are Aston Villa and they’ve been champions of England and Europe inside the lifetime of many; whether they’re sleeping giants or decomposing relics is a tough one, but they won’t have enough to beat the drop this time.

20^th West Brom – I fear I won’t be the only person who puts WBA at the bottom of the heap. I do believe that all of the bottom 8 clubs will be involved in a relegation battle at some point all season, but I fear the Albion might not have the staying power and when the going gets tough they could do a Norwich.

FA Cup – Man Utd

League Cup – Everton

Champions League – Bayern Munich

Europa League – Arsenal (just to rub Spurs’ fans noses in it some more)

Cobblers – 17^th but safe.

Stenhousemuir – 5^th and battling for a play-off shot.

Meanwhile, down the road in Shoesville...

Football under Covid restrictions without crowds is like the skiing down Pavonis Mons. There’s no atmosphere, and the end is never in sight. Still it’s better than no footy at all I suppose. The tiny gap between last season and this one means I have approximately five minutes to get this done, which gives me a better excuse than usual for my wayward predictions. Here goes…

1^st - Man City – It’s them or the unmentionables, as those two are still way ahead of the rest, so I have to hope that Pep is sufficiently riled by the runaway success of them in Red down the East Lancs road, that he can steer Citeh back to the summit. Of the two title contenders Citeh have more strength in depth, is my more logical assumption. Even so, £41m for Nathan Ake?! Wotdefook?

2^nd Liverpool – Like Citeh, they have made very few additions, and shipped a few out, so it’s as you were. They are a couple of injuries away from having their burgeoning ambitions checked. I hope.

3^rd Chelsea – Of the top half clubs in this list, only two clubs have made significant additions, and in addition Chelsea have spent more than anyone. With no pre-season, it remains to be seen how those additions work out, but on that basis, and just to vary my top 4 from Phil’s, I predict 3^rd.

4^th Man Utd – Got better as the season went on, stopped, and eventually stuttered over the line. The season, not Utd. I reckon they will keep up the improvement, but I don’t think they have enough quality to go higher than 4^th. A largish gap to 5^th.

5^th Arsenal – In transfer terms, the Arse have long been stingier than their more famously tight-fisted neighbours, but looking at their acquisitions, they have done some canny business. This time their Chelsea cast-off looks like a steal. Willian has more class in his pinky than that perennially overrated lummox with the excessive hair at the back. Plus, they can’t be a crap as last season, surely?

6^th Everton – Yes, it’s another stupidly hopeful punt for my lot. Last season, Everton’s slothful excuse for a midfield were practising social distancing before it was a thing, only their safe measure was about 15 metres, leaving massive holes for any opposition with its wits about it to exploit at will.

However… Everton are second only to Chelsea in squad-altering acquisitions this term, and if (it’s a big if), Rodriguez, Allan, and Dacoure gel quickly, we have a decent team. Nowt in the way of back up, as most of last season’s deadwood is still here. Our wage bill must be eye-watering, and I wonder how we will get under the FFP radar, if my daft prediction of 6^th, and thereby European qualification comes true.

Our first game is away to Spuds, and crap as they might be, on their ground we are worse, as we haven’t won at WHL (is it still called that?) since 1806. It’s the hope that kills you.

7^th Tottenham – Unable or unwilling to throw enough money at the team when they reached the lofty heights of successive Chumps League qualification to turn them into true Championship contenders, an inevitable gradual decline has since set in. When [one of] your big signing[s] is Joe Hart on a free, the measure of the club’s current ambition is clear for all to see. That lovely new stadium is going to take some paying off, it seems.

They will still beat us in the opening fixture though, that is almost guaranteed. And they might win a cup.

8^th Wolves – Another more than decent team with a charismatic manager, but I suspect they have hit a ceiling. Ask Spurs what happens then – ennui sets in and it all goes a bit “meh”.

9^th Leicester – Vardy ain’t getting any younger is he?

…

This is where it gets a tad difficult. Everything down to 9^th is fairly obvious (pretend you didn’t see Everton in there), but below that it is a lottery. It will be as tight as Cher’s face.

…

10^th Leeds – The safe bet is that Southampton are the best of the rest, but I fancy Leeds, who will either hit these dizzy heights or go straight back down again, such is the unknown quantity factor. Unlike Phil, I know nowt about their manager, but it seems he is fawned over by llamas back home. He seems a bit mad, which is always good.

11^th – Burnley – This one really depends if Sean Dyche isn’t tempted by a bigger club who need saving from relegation round about mid-season, whenever that is, with the prospect of better things to come. Newcastle, maybe, if they have finally unburdened themselves of Mike Ashley. If Dyche goes they could fall faster than the UK’s current international reputation.

12^th Southampton – I like Ralph Hassenhutl (I had to look up how to spell his surname, I admit!). He’s like Klopp’s sane brother. Maybe that’s the problem, he’s a little too safe. As for the club, they’re another one that without significant investment will never be more than makeweights. I wonder how their pre-season management planning meetings go? It must be difficult raising excitement levels above a sleepy torpor. I recommend Ralph turns up in lederhosen.

13^th West Ham – The best of the also-rans. Moyes does what Moyes does best. No surprises.

14^th Crystal Palace – Under Woy, Palace have put in a trademark application for 14^th. This assumes Zaha stays, and stays relatively injury-free. If he goes, probably three or four places lower.

15^th Fulham – This high only due to the size of the owner’s wallet.

16^th Sheffield Utd – They might be lucky to stay up, but I’ll give them 16^th, through the sheer force of will of their boss. Can’t see a repeat of last year’s unexpected heights, as they lack the surprise factor this time round.

17^th Aston Villa – I have always had a soft spot for the Villains, them being the other half of the oldest and most played top flight fixture. Dean Smith is an identikit “tough guy” English boss, in the manner of Dyche. It may be only his strength of character that keeps them up.

18^th Brighton – Like Southampton only worse. Would give their fish’n’chip suppers to be that average.

19^th Newcastle – I used to laugh at the Barcodes, a club and a fanbase with delusions of grandeur, yet they have won diddly in my lifetime, apart from maybe a Fairs Cup? Now, I just feel sorry for them. “Mike Ashley is a cunt” must be the most repeated phrase of any Barcode, now being shouted on every street corner in Toon after the much anticipated Saudi takeover went tits up, possibly because the sheikhs couldn’t countenance subsidising a man who probably aspires to a similar or worse human rights record. Until the fat controller sells up, you can’t see them progressing at all.

It’s amazing they have kept hold of Joelinton (so far, there’s still time), the one bright spark in a stripey sludge of average. The only other thing that would keep them up, apart from a takeover, is the roar of 50000 Geordies at every home game. With no prospect of that for the foreseeable, they are royally fucked, m’lud.

20^th West Brom – If ever a club has “bottom” stamped on its arse as the door slams on it, it’s West Brom, a club who aspire to be dour.

FA Cup – Spurs

League Cup – Spurs under-12s

I have no opinion on other trophies.

The Cobblers – lucky to stay up.

***

And that concludes the vote from the English ones.

Filling the Void

I gave up on Football Manager a few years ago. I had a rubbish old computer and playing a season almost felt like actually playing a season. My PC had the minimum requirements to run the game effectively (but I had to pare back on leagues and the number of players), albeit slower than a snail racing a sloth over molasses.

About six months before the apocalypse, I purchased a new home computer. I'm old, I wanted something I could sit at a desk and use; so none of these tablets or modern mobile phone rubbish, I wanted something to remind me that I'm a product of the 20th century.

To treat myself, I bought last year's Football Manager. I spent a few hours updating the editor ensuring the first season I played was going to be as close to how it looked as possible. The game, a vastly different thing to FM14, the last time I purchased it, was tough to get the feel of and I had several aborted starts while I got the hang of it. I also decided not to cheat, even if it meant losing to Arsenal (which hasn't happened so far).

I started the 2019/20 season at the end of February. The major things I did was sell Ben Davies, Moussa Sissoko and Heung Min Son. The first was out of choice, the second the board took the option to sell away from me, selling the Korean for £60million + add-ons, without me having a say in the matter. How lifelike was this new game? Son broke a leg in City's third game of the season.

To make matters worse, five days before the transfer deadline Levy sold Alderweireld for £61m to Man Utd and wouldn't let me send Ledley King on an extensive Continental A licence course. He did allow me to buy Matthijs de Ligt from Juventus for £30m and I took a gamble on a number of young inexperienced players to act as backup for key positions. Top signing was Toni Lato, an 18-year-old Italian left back, who was bought with 3½ star potential and quickly turned into a superstar when Rose kept getting sent off. His rating shot up to a potential of 5 stars and he was playing at 4 stars by the end of the season, relegating an argumentative and bitter Danny Rose to the U23 squad and being transfer listed.

Borja Emeterio was signed as a backup for Aurier (who performs consistently well in FM, remarkably),  Miguel Baeza was brought in for small beans to cover Lucas and for a laugh, I popped over to Brazil to see if I could take long-time FM superstar Gabriel Batista on loan, to double up on all attacking midfield positions. I was not only amazed I got him, but I managed to get a £35m buy-out. I also attempted to find a promising midfielder and settled on Claudio Gomez from one of Spanish giants; more so in this than any previous game you see the need for attracting top scouts. Gomez came to me on loan with a 5 star recommendation, but was actually on 2½ after assessment from the coaching staff - the game recommended I terminate the loan deal because the player was not good enough.

I then played this season.

Six games in an Man U were top with six wins from six and we were second with five wins and a draw. Then we got thumped 4-1 at Southampton and lost at home to Man City and slumped down to 8th. This was only the 2nd of what would turn out to be a total of 5 defeats all season, including defeats to Real Madrid and Spartak Moscow in the Champs League and defeat in the FA Cup QF to Everton.

Spurs won the league by 1 point, beating Man City in the penultimate game of the season at the Etihad to go above them with just a win at home to Watford to guarantee us the title. Kane scored a hat trick as Spurs beat the Hornets 3-0 to win their first Premier League. I also had won the League Cup beating Leicester 3-1 and the Champions League beating Chelsea also 3-1. A treble in my first season (and Everton won the Europa League even though I wasn't aware they'd qualified for it and the Arse finished 8th).

I felt an enormous amount of weirdness to be honest. My biggest criticism of FM is that once you understand how the game worked it was easy to win even without cheating; whatever algorithms they use - in game - always seem weighted to winning. In FM14, I took Northampton from League Two to the Premier League and a 6th place finish before actually having a lousy season and getting relegated (and then losing interest...). It would appear that even modern versions of the game allow people who know what they're doing find it easier. Like the random button on MP3 players; just how random is 'random'?

Equally; how long before I would have grown bored with this new game had my FM version of Spurs become as uninteresting as the real life version? "How's the game? Oh, I finished 12th, lost my striker to Man U and won fuck all again; it was great." Is not something to inspire you to keep Football Manager in business.

Three days ago, I started next season. Lato's out with a broken leg, meaning I had to buy a player. I got Kurasawa from PSG for £22m and he's going to give me a hard time. because 9 games into his first season he's angling for a new contract. I dumped Gomez back to Barca and was amazed to find I could buy Jadon Sancho from Dortmund for £20m, so I did, even though the fans think it was a stupid decision, he's scored five goals in his six games. Parrot is now in the main squad and has fantastic potential even if he's acting like a spoiled shit. Foyth's improvement has been positive as I didn't think he would make the grade and two apprentices have been promoted to the main squad because they're too good not to: Noel Willock was literally the perfect replacement for Eriksen, even if he's only 16 and Baz Chumley is an 18-year-old centre midfielder, who the coaches feel could be world class (I don't think either of these exist in the real world).

Nine matches in and we're 4th, in a six way battle, with two points dividing everyone. We've won 6 and drawn 3 and are currently on a 38 match unbeaten streak in the league. Levy, despite the success, is still giving me a hard time with budgets and I'd say 80% of the problems I've had with unhappy players have been down to the chairman; either not allowing players to have improved contracts or simply selling players without asking me (and then in the manager appraisal Levy tells me the fans thought selling Toby was bad business!). One tip for aspiring future players; a player's potential and ability will drop if you consistently don't offer them a new contract, even if you want to. Levy only wants to pay Lucas Moura what his potential says, which means, despite being a key member of the team, I have a ceiling which the chairman will not allow me to go above, even if I fiddle with the budgets. It's like the game knows Levy is renowned for this kind of thing...

If only real football could be as easy as FM, eh?

Stay safe, footballing chums.

The 2019/2020 Football Predictions

It’s that time of the year again when both the big noses indulge themselves in crystal ball gazing. I’ll kick off with my predictions and then Roger will sidle up to my Word document, whisper sweet nothings at it while defecating all over the keyboard. Yes, football’s back (if you don’t count the Women’s World Cup, Europa and Champs league preliminaries, Scottish football and various U19, U21 and U23 tournaments all shown on cable). Yay, football is baaaaack...

Manchester City: Two points. Firstly, this lad Rodri they’ve bought. In 9 months football pundits will look at you in disgust if you mention Rodri and Fernandinho in the same sentence; the Spanish lad will be revered, you watch. Secondly, if Phil Foden is as good as Pep reckons... Let’s put it this way, I don’t think Liverpool will have as good a season as they did last year; I do think Citeh will, possibly even improving by a fraction or two. Strength up and down the team, the only person not unduly worried by the seeming lack of central defenders is the manager – speaks volumes that. 1^st

Tottenham: I have this feeling, now that Daniel Levy has spent some money, that this could be a big improvement on last season, which is needed as it felt a little like the end of an era at times. The new guys – Tanguy Ndombele, Ryan Sessignon and Giovanni Lo Celso all have potential for bigger and better things and with barely anyone leaving of note, Spurs can at least enter the season with a far bigger squad able to contend with injuries. I expect fewer defeats, more commanding displays and a closer gap between them and the two above them. I expect Eriksen will go by the end of the European transfer window, but if he doesn’t he needs to knuckle down and treat every game like a game he’s up for because he disappears far too quickly and can often win games, but more often appears to be carried. I would like to see Spurs win something, but to do that now needs more investment than sheer luck, but win something, install a ‘winning mentality’ and they could well push on. The stadium, sponsorship and all manner of deals done outside of football suggests the team is ready to properly join the top 4 club, that means winning something; usually something big – probably not this season. 2^nd  

Liverpool: Will still be there or thereabouts, but more likely the latter. A few teams will start to work out how this side play and there’s going to be a complacency problem at times, oh and the exhaustion of having to play up to 67 games between the Community Shield and possibly an attempt at retaining their Champions League trophy. That is pretty much two games a week. There is also going to be pressure to take the lesser cups more seriously; I don’t know who from, probably journalists, but I think momentum thru progression is expected and I feel, ultimately, it might be another nearly season. 3^rd  

Arsenal: It must have been extremely perplexing to Spurs fans to see Arsenal so busy in the transfer window and them only playing Thursday Night Football in Europe – but an overhaul was probably, like Spurs, long overdue. I really believe Emery’s task this year is to return to Wenger ways – top 4 at all cost. It’s uninspiring and a little defeatist and I wonder what Arsenal fans must think of a club that appears to treat top 4 as a trophy, of sorts. Let’s face it, at the moment you’re going to have to be very good to take on Man City and Arsenal are still rebuilding and some way behind Liverpool and their rivals Spurs. I find it weird that I should be urging Arse fans to accept it has to be baby steps to begin with. That said, they’re going to emerge from the pack this season not based on inspiring football, but because everyone around them is heading for a season of crisis. 4^th  

Chelsea: For Frank Lampard going to one of his clubs so soon in his managerial career means one thing: succeed, or fail: quicker, more miserably than any other manager and seriously curtail your career. I’m sure he’s not short of a few bob, but Chelsea are that Football Manager Players’ dream/nightmare: having to play with the team you signed up for and not being able to do any transfers. I think he’ll have moments; Roman will stay calm and eventually, like last season they’ll end up in a position that looked unlikely for most of the season. I think, providing it doesn’t all go tits up quickly, he’ll be given some time. Maybe Chelsea fancy creating the next Pep? 5^th

Manchester United: Which brings us to the third club that’s going to have a crisis on the pitch: in Man Utd’s case it will be similar to Ole’s first season; great start and then players were found wanting and ones who got reprieved from this season’s cull will be in line next. They will still be thereabouts and might even win a cup, just to remind everyone that while they’re not the best team in Manchester, they’re still better than most of the others. As for Paul Pogba; I’m really sure he brings something to the game, but in the four or five times I saw Man Utd play last season, he was less effective than Charlie Adam. 6^th

Everton: Let’s face it, like Spurs wanting to finish about Arsenal, before anything else; Everton would like to be alpha males again and this season has to be the first signs of evidence they’re heading for that region. I’m not sure what they’d do if this season doesn’t see an improvement or even if they can do it? Spurs are only in that elite group by gatecrashing the party with some great football, even if they once didn’t splash the cash. The Toffees are at that stage and have been at for what seems like forever. Lots more expectation than hope in their fans’ camp but a general feeling of not knowing how they can break the top 6. This season it’s about beating Wolves and Leicester into 7^th and I think they’ve done enough to make people think they might stand a chance, they need a good start and have completely revamped their team, so I’m not convinced they’ll hit the ground running, but I think they have enough. 7^th

Wolves: Despite an excursion into Europa League mayhem, I don’t think that will be too much of a problem for Wolves and it could be believed they’d think a top six position was more than capable and not be happy without one. Outside the top 6 is all they’re capable of at the moment. In 2020 football, 7^th is almost a new 1^st, because it gives the best team in the rest of a chance to feel better about themselves and it occasionally allows the team to have less holiday so they can play in the Faroe Islands in July while all their mates, at other clubs, are still on the beach sending you pictures of their arses. This is as far as Wolves can progress without an oligarch, Arab or insane American prepared to throw a billion at the club. 8^th

Leicester: would like to finish 7^th as, logically, it’s as good as it’s ever going to get after the euphoria of winning the league. I think this season it’s simply going to be a case of they could be heading for the potential of becoming the new Everton, which given how close the teams are, sounds really like damning with faint praise. 3-2-1’s Brendan Rogers has a lot on his plate trying to convince richer clubs he deserves another crack at the big time and taking on a team like the Foxes proves he’s got a couple of big sweaty balls. 9^th

West Ham: are scum and I should hate them. I mean, we have a rivalry with our rivals; someone, somewhere seems to have invented this rivalry between Spurs and the Hammers. First I’d heard of it was a few years ago and I’m not against wishing them well; far more than Arsenal or Chelsea and because the wife supports them. They have a good manager, who like Woy Hodgson won’t let you down until he does. They’ve spent money again: often West Ham transfer windows look like a kid playing Football Manager. Ooh, he looks good. Buy him. The problem now is, are there any teams outside the top six you can see going on an unbeaten run for ten or fifteen matches? This lot are scum and I should hate them. 10^th

Watford: in the current scheme of things, this lot are probably the last of the obvious choices to play in the little mini-league between 7^th and 12^th. The Italian owners do have ambitions for this club, they simply don’t have the money to ensure those ambitions are anything other than token. Watford often feel like they should be a team I should like, because of it being in Hertfordshire, but they’ve often just been one of the teams making up the numbers, much like they are now. 11^th

Burnley: are probably never going to recreate their form of a few years ago, which saw them qualify for Europe, that go horribly wrong and have a massive impact on the subsequent league season. I’m not sure fans of middling Premier League teams want to cut short their summer holidays to watch Burnley versus HB Torshavn. Sean Dyke lives near Northampton; I always thought he sounded like he was local to me... Imagine him wearing a pink leotard, carpet slippers and nipple clamps, it makes knowing Burnley are staying in the EPL a little less painful. 12^th

Crystal Palace: essentially what I wrote for Watford but with more speech impediments and the letter W. 7-12^th is a success, of sorts, for owners and keeps the price reasonable should they decide to pass the baton on to another mug who doesn’t realise the club has no heritage and isn’t really even in London. They’ll win the race to avoid relegation by March. 13^th

Southampton: Joe 90’s evil Austrian twin will get bragging rights and permission to wear the glasses this year. Evil Austrian Twin might realise the actual chances of Southampton bucking the growing trend (of big clubs and also rans) and wonder what it’s like to manage a club with more prospects than EPL stability. Saints want top 4, Ralf can say ‘there’s a four in where we finished’. Saints fans should be holding street parties, in streets. Something else. Blah blah blah. 14^th

Aston Villa: I kind of think this could be one of the one or two glaring errors or unexpected survival stories of the season, or something that involves words, in some kind of order. Are Villa this year’s Fulham (as in they’ve replaced the entire team with people you’ve never heard of like a pot head in a sweet shop)? Has the club spunked too much of its junk on a load of shite? Would 15^th be regarded as some kind of success? No? Okay. 15^th

Bournemouth: I think Bournemouth are better than we think and I really like their manager, Joe 90 [Put a pair of NHS specs on him, shut your eyes and you’re almost there] The thing about this team is they actually look quite comfortable in the Premier League and have almost reached the position where people who still remember Bradford Park Avenue being a league team are even getting used to them being where they are rather than with Ted MacDougal and his 4^th Division goal scoring feats... That said, there will probably only be four teams below them. 16^th  

Norwich: Delia crying tears of gravy. Gingerbread men swooping off the terraces of Carrow Road. Mustard gas used on innocent Stewart White. Yes. Yes. Yes yes and just about, missus. 17^th

Newcastle: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha 18^th

Brighton: It was a toss-up between this lot and the lot I went with for bottom and I obviously don’t follow this lot, but when they got rid of Antony Knockaert, I kind of wondered if I’d missed something about football as he was pretty much Brighton’s most inventive and dangerous player last year and therefore, based on that knowledge that I have, I reckon this lot will be this season’s Huddersfield, but not as bad. 19^th

Sheffield United: I had a brief flirtation with the Blades in the early 1970s. I was disillusioned supporting Spurs and the Blades had got promoted, were briefly at the top of the league and [players names from then] was or were [something] etc etc etc. Blah blah blah valiant performances. Blah blah blah great supporters. Blah blah blah fans singing ‘can we play you every week’ to Spurs when they record their only wins of the season, twice in the league and in both cups. Mauricio Pochettino said, “Thank fuck they didn’t play in the Champions League.” 20^th

FA CUP: Man City

League Cup: Man City

The EFL Vanarama Rumbelows Johnstone’s Paint Trophy: Man City U21s

Champions League: Man City

Europa League: Wolves

Championship Winners: Derby

Cobblers to finish 9^th (or maybe 19^th)

Over the Roger for the weather in his own unique way...

Arsenal - 3rd

The expensive winger will be absorbed into the Arsenal murk of big wins followed by inexplicable losses. Top sometime in November, followed by the inevitable wobble. They're an odd bunch, the Gooners. Will sleepwalk into 3rd, given Chelsea's transfer woes, Spuds stingyness, and Utd's ordinariness. A hundred miles off 2nd, mind.

Aston Villa - 16th

It's good to see The Villans back in the top flight, and it resurrects the most played top flight fixture too. The only promoted side to borrow and spend heavily against the Prem TV money, will their scattergun transfer policy/gamble pay off? As an Everton fan I know only too well that signing everything that moves below the radar of the big hitters rarely works, but I'll give them the benefit of the doubt. There's no cow in Bovril...

AFC Bournemouth - 15th

All the clubs beginning with B (ignore the AFC affectation, if you please) will struggle, but Eddie Howe's lot are the best of that bunch by a decent distance. At some point he'll go to a bigger club, and then the Cherries will be well and truly pipped, but until then they'll survive by the width of a deckchair. Where the Bs end up is anyone's guess, but none of them higher than 15th is my punt. You'd get decent odds for all three Bs getting relegated.

Brighton - 20th

See Bournemmouth... only much worse. I like Chris Houghton, but his team are anonymous, and hopeless.

Burnley - 18th

See Brighton... only not quite as bad. Sean Dyche belongs in the Championship.

Chelsea - 7th

Losing Hazard is so obviously a massive blow for the most disliked club in London, and combined with a transfer ban means it wil be difficult if not impossible for Chelsea to improve on last season, especiallly with a new and unproven manager. Frank Jnr may well do a Solksjaer, and start off with the speed of John Terry hastily leaving a team mate's wife in a hotel room, but will The Czar have the guts to sack a fan favourite when he's lost 6 in a row over Xmas? Yes, he will, obviously. #freezouma ;)

Crystal Palace - 13th

Holding on to Zaha, even a disgruntled Zaha is enough to secure Woy mid twable.

Everton - 6th

Another turbulent summer in the transfer market has seen my lot have a massive dump of unwanted players - 23 at the last count - left by the disastrous Koeman/Walsh/Fat Sam era, and make some decent signings, but the loss of Gueye and Zouma (unlikely we will get him in January now Luis has been shipped out) may prove critical to our chances of improving on last season. Moise Kean (with a name like that he had to sign for us, didn't he?) although only 19 sounds like a great buy, and hopefully a fruitful partnership with DCL awaits. In my never humble opinion we dodged an £80m-sized bullet by not landing Zaha, a ridiculous price for an intermittently good player prone to hissy fits and injury. Iwobi at less than half the price may be bargain of the summer.
However, it's all very well scoring 15 more goals than last year, but if we let in 15 more, it hardly matters. The position of main defensive midfielder is one where age and experience always have it over youth and enthusiasm, and although 23-year old Jean-Phillipe Gbamin may turn out to be the best defensive midfielder since Roy Keane, a direct Gueye replacement he ain't - yet. No replacement for Zouma means we are light in the CB positions, as I strongly suspect Mina may be a walking sicknote, and the cover is no great shakes. I may be completely wrong - it's been known to happen!
Hopefully it all works out and we edge past a faltering Chelski on goal differnce for 6th. Mind you, as we all know, it's the hope that kills you.
#freezouma

Leicester City - 10th

A mini league with Watford and West Ham is not won by the Foxes, despite Brenda's Scottish canniness. Although Maguire is an overrated lummox, they'll still miss him, with no obvious replacement bought. Otherwise, meh...

Liverpool - 2nd

Runners up again despite not splashing any cash. Salah will be found out by VAR, Klopp off to Spain, or the mental health ward. We can but dream. It will be another close one, but not as close as last year.

Manchester City - 1st

You can't really bet against them. About the only thing that will stop them winning the PL, and by more than they did last time, too, is if they get to the semis and beyond in the Champion's League. Then, Pep's focus may well change. Expect some more bizarre cardigan wear in the winter from the winningly personable Spaniard.

Manchester Utd - 4th

How long Gunner Graham lasts in the job is open to question, but I suspect that they'll grind out a few results, and Pogba will win a few singlehanded before sulking for a few games. Harry Maguire £80m?! Really? Solksjaer will keep his job as they finish 4th, a result of falling morale in the Spuds camp when the players find out that Levy is charging them £10 an hour to park at the training ground.

Newcastle Utd - 17th

Broocie Rubberface gone by Xmas, turmoil, cue mucho Geordie wailing, moaning (a lot of moaning), and gnashing of teeth. Saved on the last day of the season by an own goal off Jordan Henderson's arse that secures them the one point needed to stay up. Mike Ashley is burnt at the stake after the game. There's a lot of fat, he burns for a loooong time.

Norwich City - 19th

Narch are back! And straight down!

Sheffield Utd - 14th

Chris Wilder is a very good coach, and may well do a Moyes and get the Blades punching above their weight enough to stay up. 14th is a bit of a gamble, but why not?

Southampton - 12th

I have no idea what to say about Southampton, so I'll say nowt. Midtable obscurity beckons, again.

Tottenham Hotspur - 5th

Still the second best name for a football team in the country, after Accrington Stanley, of course. Remember those close seasons not so long ago when Spuds were associated with any player that so much as looked at his agent, and then they ended up buying only two? These days Spuds are probably the last club to be associated with anyone, and yet another transfer window slams shut on Daniel Levy's titanium reinforced wallet, which was suffering the trauma of having shelled out a club record fee of three shekels plus the club goat on a defensive midfielder/fluffer for the Potch. Didn't they land another midfielder on deadline day? If so, that's two more players than last year, so, progress. Or... stagnation, which means decline, so 5th, with an exodus of the manager and Harry Kane by this time next year. You read it here first - well, that's if my bit goes before Phil's. [It doesn’t]

Watford - 9th

Can last season's dizzy heights be maintained? Very possibly, given the generally poor quality of all the remaining bottom half teams from last season, plus those promoted from the Championship.

West Ham Utd - 11th

The energy vampire that is the London Stadium will hold back the Hammers by at least 2 places from where they should be.

Wolverhampton Wanderers - 8th

There will be very little between 6th, 7th and 8th, and Wolves will only finish bottom of that mini league due to being up and down like the Prime Minister's trousers at an interns' indictment session, as a result of playing in the Thursday Night League, a poisoned chalice unless you have a huge squad. I hope. I like the manager's beard.

FA Cup: Not Everton

League Cup: Not Everton

The EFL Vanarama Rumbelows Johnstone’s Paint Trophy: Not Everton U21s

Champions League: Definitely Not Everton

Europa League: Not Everton

Championship Winners: Not Everton

Rejoin us in May as we laugh and wail about how good/bad/indifferent we were.

Enjoy the football, someone has to.

Season Review: How Do You Not Like That?

It's been the strangest of seasons. Liverpool have had a massively successful season, yet so far have nothing to show for it. 97 points and finishing 2nd has got to be one of the biggest kicks in the guts any team has ever suffered?

Man City were maybe not as worthy champions as Liverpool were unbelievably worthy runners-up. Four defeats against one, both teams virtually unplayable - all season. They have made it a classic season. Except, apart from the token challenge by a Spurs side that already looked like they'd blown it - there was a point where, if Spurs won their remaining 13 games they would have won the league because they would have beaten the then two clubs above them. In reality, they played the last 13 games like a team struggling against a relegation threat and fourth was, in the end, gifted to them by the inconsistency of those below them, especially an incredibly profligate Arsenal, who really should have sown up 3rd weeks ago and ended up 5th.

You kind of have to take Spurs out of standard end-of-season reviews because they're a special exception this year; so if you analyse Chelsea, Arsenal, and Man Utd, the most impressive was undoubtedly Wolves, despite finishing three wins shy of 6th. They still might screw up next season by getting into the Europa League, but they did themselves proud this season and with that kind of improvement the top six will be looking over their shoulders next year. They're ahead of those around them by virtue of being the new boys - second season syndrome could strike if they're playing in the Europa League at the end of July.

Unai Emery had an arguably better season than Wenger's final one, but they still missed out on an automatic Champions League place, but might still squeeze in if they win the Europa; they have Chelsea in their way and there will be no love lost. Chelsea and their fag-smoking mad monk have won no friends and have become a slightly distasteful element of the Premier League. It is a club that is clearly not being run as well as it once was and you feel that they're going to go backwards, especially with a transfer ban (upheld after appeal). Man Utd fans were praising saint OGS 8 weeks ago; they ended the season with almost the worst form in the league and had they not had a good patch might have struggled for 6th. There's a lot of work and money needed to be spent there.

And then there was Spurs. Rediscovered the 'spursy' nickname with some awful performances and instead of salvaging wins from losing positions, they seemed to do the opposite this year. 13 defeats... 7 of those came in the days and weeks following the outside title challenge claim (they did exactly the same in 2012). The last player to sign for Spurs was Lucas Moura, two transfer windows ago and this season the club has been blighted by injuries, have played 4/5ths of the season back at Wembley and no one really expected them to get in the top four, yet they finished 4th and more importantly they did something else.

Looking back at the forecasts Roger and I made in August, neither of us did that bad. I had Fulham in the top 10, he had Watford relegated, I had the top 4 with City as winners, he also had City winning but only two of the others. We were as close as City and Liverpool in the end.

However, while that part has told part of the story, the season is not over. It has something special right at the end. The fact that Arsenal play Chelsea in the Europa final is an achievement in what is a far more unpredictable tournament than the Champions League usually throws up, but that is overshadowed by Liverpool versus Spurs. Yes, Spurs. In the Champions League they have been the team that refuses to lay down and die. They were less than 20 minutes away from elimination in Barcelona in December. They played some of their best football of the season by getting rid of Dortmund and played in two of the most nail-biting ties against Man City. Ajax should have been easy, but Spurs lost the first leg, at home and were 2-0 down at half time in Amsterdam.

Liverpool had not had an easier ride but they struggled to get out of their group and generally sailed through the knockout until they hit Barcelona. Despite playing really well, the reds got stuffed 3-0 and all seemed lost. Just less than 24 hours earlier they were winning 4-0 to mark possibly the most remarkable comeback in European football history. At half-time in Amsterdam, Spurs trudged off looking beaten. The squad, hampered by injuries, quite threadbare and exhausted, also hadn't got Harry Kane. Any Spurs fan would have thought at that point there was not going to be a grandstand finish; most of them were hoping we didn't get humiliated.

The last man to sign for the club, Lucas Moura, teaming up with a rejuvenated Dele Alli, scored three times, his third with almost the last kick of the match to ensure four English clubs compete in the two European cups. As a Spurs fan, all I can say is... blimey.

As a Spurs fan I'm petrified. Ah, forget about the final, I'm proud my team has made it, of course I'll be disappointed if they lose, but... wow, man. No, what I'm petrified about is winning it. Winning would maybe mean losing Pochettino. The players who want to leave to win a European title will have achieved it. Winning it might completely break up a once great thing.

I expect at least five of our players will never pull on a Spurs shirt after June 1st. Spurs have achieved top four finishes for four consecutive years. They cannot be considered as anything than probably the third best side in the country. The board needs to replace the players going and bring in a couple of others and that means rebuilding with players that ease into the team quickly; that don't need to bed in and will expect to be paid the money a top four side should be paying with the resources at their disposal. ENIC needs to take Spurs into the same areas as Arsenal as far as wages are concerned and that will cost them a lot of money and they also need more players... There's nothing to suggest that Daniel Levy will spend anything apart from, well, having to.

No one knows at this point what Chelsea will do between now and August. You expect Olly will get to spend some cash and then half a season before the knives come out and Dick Emery will continue to positively rebuild, depending on which European cup competition the Arse are playing in. The team that is no longer the joker in the pack are the team now punching at a similar weight, with a better stadium and arguably more money but most importantly greater expectations from the fans. There are no more excuses. Investment in the squad has to happen because we're at the end of an era.

The squad that got us here is about to fall apart. The first sign was Kyle Walker, but we coped without him. Then Dembele and we struggled to dominate. Now we're facing more departures and we're in a position where we have to look at our squad and ask ourselves not who needs to go but who needs to stay.

I expect Hugo to remain, I also expect Gazzaniga to take the #2 jersey and possibly an academy promotion to fill the benchwarmer's position.

In defence, regardless of age, Jan Vertonghen shouldn't go anywhere; he's got three years in him at least and what he can teach and what he gives makes him essential. Davinson Sanchez is the other rock and these two would be the centre two for the coming season in my team. It's the rest that are problematic; Serge Aurier won't be going anywhere, I expected him to get time, like Sissoko, and he's useful as a back up. There's a question mark over Juan Foyth but I feel that's fan backlash and press speculation. I believe Eric Dier is a confidence player and needs a run in the team to get him to the position that makes him important; whether he's got first team stamped on him is now a doubt and his temperament can be a problem. He's a better defender than he is a defensive midfielder. Ben Davies is also an adequate squad player and Kyle Walker-Peters is going to need to step up. What the team might need are new left and right backs.

Midfield isn't really a position we've considered a problem in recent years but next season it can't just be built around Winks, Sissoko, Alli and Lamela. It's remarkable that I can consider Moussa Sissoko as worthy of inclusion, yet he's proved his worth more than once and if he can score some goals... Harry Winks runs the midfield in a way that hasn't been seen for years; he always finds space. Dele Alli needs to step up; a good rest over the summer will do him the world of good and I believe that he'll be used deeper in the next season because he controls it very well and could well fill part of the void from Eriksen's inevitable departure. Lamela will, if injury free, be given one more season to see if he can consistently do what he occasionally does. I expect Oliver Skipp will remain part of the main set up and maybe another will move where he was, but we need three midfielders and one of them needs to be first team material.

Up front it's clear that support for Kane, Moura and Son is now a priority. There needs to be a goalscorer; a target man; someone who can play with Harry as the #10.

That's six players and guess what? Not all six are going to work out; we know that. We also know that some of them might take a year to get with the program. The problem we have is we can't really expect any more players and, let's be honest about this, we've bought about four players in five years that have pulled on a first team shirt more than as a cameo.

I figure we need to or will lose Vorm, Trippier, Rose, Wanyama, Alderweireld, Janssen, N'Koudou, Onoma, Llorente, probably Cameron-Vickers and, of course, Eriksen. I say, 'of course' because we could get £150million for him and that could get us three good players and meaning Daniel Levy might only have to spend another £100million on rotation players. We are going to struggle to find and then buy enough players without having to either keep some of what we've got or possibly doing a 'Gareth Bale' and spending a lot of money on a certain amount of unknowns - either that or Levy has to loosen the wage strings.

But that is to come (or not, maybe). Before then the biggest night in the club's history has to happen. Win or lose, I hope the boys do themselves proud.