Getting on for 15 years now Roger and I have been doing this and for a wee while at the back of last season it looked like it might come to an end, for a season at least, but Everton stayed in the Premier League, while Spurs did the unlikely thing and qualified for the Champions League. It was a season of contrasts and I expect the thought of having to do one of these and try and be positive about your own team's chances can't be much fun...
Obviously, these always come out before the start of the season, which means some big business might have been done after our predictions, but generally we can't complain - neither of us are that accurate, but we're always there or thereabouts with the odd rogue - one of us had Leicester being relegated the year they won it!
Here's Roger to kick things off:
Phil has
insisted we do this thing again. Last season I was way off, as were my team who
only survived due to there being enough teams who were actually worse than than
the inept shower I've supported since a choice between Everton and L****poo*
was forced on me by dad, who quite reasonably told me to choose between Roger
Hunt and Alan Ball and the teams they played for, as you can't follow both.
Bally it was then, as he was my favourite player in 1968. Which was hundreds of
years ago, when people were shorter and lived by the water. Everton
occasionally won things back then, too. Anyway...
1st -
Manchester City
There
really is no reason to bet against them continuing their dominance, is there?
2nd -
Chelsea
Second
will more than likely be L****poo* again, but you've got to have hope haven't
you? Chelsea by their standards have so far bought hardly anyone, and Raheem
Sterling is hardly the player to take them up a notch. They have trimmed their
huge squad by about 73 players too, so they've no chance of coming second
really.
3rd -
Liverpool
They'll
miss Mane an awful lot, and Mo Salad will miss him the most. It's the hope that
kills you.
4th -
Arsenal
Gabriel
Jesus & Zinchenko are class buys, and might be enough to edge Spurs out of
fourth place. In the real world, where Chelsea will be third, they may even
give them a run for their money. Trouble is its Arsenal, who always go flaky at
some point.
5th -
Spurs
The
bastards bought our best player and one of two reasons on the pitch why we
stayed up last time, for a frankly ridiculous £60m, along with the usual
handful of forrins I've never heard of. Hooevvuh, the other players they've
acquired don't seem to be of the class of Arsenal's signings, so unless they have
a surprise or two still to arrive, they might slip a place this season.
6th -
West Ham
With
last season's experience filed away, I reckon the Moyesiah will have enough
guile this time to get and stay ahead of a very average Man Utd.
7th -
Man Utd
Who 's
this Lisandro Martinez, then? A bit of an unknown quantity this time round, as
Utd have a new boss with no prior Prem experience. After the honeymoon period,
I can't see them doing anything other than sliding further down the table. I'm
probably utterly wrong.
A BIG
gap to..
8th -
Newcastle
Unbridled
optimism has never been in short supply at the Barcodes, but this season there
is actually a basis for it, given their new owners' bottomless pockets and no
FFP to worry about for a couple of seasons. Surely Newcastle can't fuck up
having loads of money in the hilarious way Everton have? I think Eddie Howe has
it in him to take them to the next level, but the Saudis probably won't have
the patience. When they lose a couple of games, they might publically execute
him on the pitch, or chop his right hand off, or summat.
9th -
Fulham
There's
always one promoted club who do better than expected, but Fulham, another club
with cash oozing out of every pore are probably actually expected to finish
about here, so...
10th -
Crystal Palace
Patrick
Viera has got Palace playing decent football, which given their history of
lumpen prole hoofing is quite remarkable. Will be doing battle with their
monied rivals at Craven Cottage all season.
There is
nothing to choose between the teams finishing 11th, 12th and 13th, I might as
well put them in alphabetical order. Oh... I have
11th -
Leicester City
12th -
Southampton
13th -
Wolverhampton Wanderers
14th -
Aston Villa
Yawn
15 -
Brighton & Hove Albion
There's
a lot of teams in this thing, ain't there?
16th -
Everton
It's
hard work being a Evertonian. Escaping relegation by the width of a toffee
wrapper last time, thanks mainly to some amazing home support in the last few
games, and of course Richarlison's goals, and Pickford's saves, I can't see
anything but another struggle this time. With no money to spend, so far we've
bought two players from a relegated team, sold our best player and not replaced
him so far. If DCL doesn't find his form, and quickly, we are well and truly
fucked. But there are three or four teams who look even worse on paper. It's
that hope thing again...
17th -
Brentford
What are
they even doing here? Their average league position throughout their history is
10th in the old Third Division. However, given the woeful nature of the three
teams below, they'll escape on goal difference on the final day.
18th -
Bournemouth
This
season's yo-yo club are yo-yoing straight back down.
19th -
Leeds Utd
They had
two very good players last season. They've sold them both. Nuff said.
20th -
Nottingham Forest
Looks
like they've bought and loaned an entire new team. A big risk. It won't pay
off.
Chumps
League - Look, I really don't care. To me, this is a fantasy competition.
FA Cup -
Look, I really don't care. To me, this is a fantasy competition.
League
Cup - Look, I really don't care. To me, this is a fantasy competition.
And that was Roger as we know and love him, brimming with optimism
and waxing lyrically about his favoured sport…
The Top 4: Man City, Liverpool, Spurs, Chelsea.
In that order. It will be very little change but it might be a lot closer in points total. City have Haaland who appears to be able to score goals simply by farting at the ball; Liverpool has strengthened and they won't miss Mane and I think Tuchel at Chelsea will struggle to get consistency from his team and might possibly not be there at the end of next season.
Antonio Conte's busy transforming Spurs and I think the six signings so far are a great addition to the squad that now needs some trimming. I don't think they can challenge for the title, but they won't be that far behind and this season I think they might break a couple of their hoodoos.
5th to 7th: Man Utd, Arsenal, West Ham.
Ten Haag has done enough to set United back in the right direction, but it won't be plain sailing and they'll hit some bumpy patches. Arteta has done some interesting recruiting and the Arse will improve, but not enough and it will start to feel as though 6th is roughly what they'll get until the stagnation can be addressed properly. The Hammers are better than every team below them.
8th to 11th: Newcastle, Aston Villa, Leicester, Palace.
I'm reluctant putting the Bar Codes so high up because they haven't spent much and I think the three teams I have below them could easily finish 8th. Villa will see this as progress. Ted Rogers might see his star wane some more and Palace are better than every team below them.
12th to 17th: Wolves, Brighton, Brentford, Everton, Leeds, Fulham.
The only things I have to say about this is Everton are rubbish and have been fucked up by poor ownership, bad choices and spaffing too much money on bang average players. They will have a dreadful season, but I don't think they will flirt quite as dangerously with relegation this season. I also changed my mind about Fulham; I had them going down, but I've relented because they're stronger now than they were the two previous times they were in the top flight when I had them finishing mid table both times.
18th to 20th and Relegated: Southampton, Nottm Forest, Bournemouth.
It will be a south coast disaster. Hassenhutl's luck will run out and Forest and Bournemouth won't have the quality over 38 games. These are the three teams that will score the least amount of goals and accrue the least amount of points, therefore they're all fucked.
Champions League: I can't see any other team other than Spurs. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
FA Cup: I can't see any other team other than Spurs. 😂😂😂😂
League Cup: I can't see any other team other than Spurs. 😂😂😂
* The higher amount of emojis the more unlikely I think it is
... And there you have it. Another year of being close-ish lies ahead. It would be nice if another 'Leicester Year' can be had, it shakes things up, but it's unlikely.
