It’s that time of the year again when both the big noses
indulge themselves in crystal ball gazing. I’ll kick off with my predictions
and then Roger will sidle up to my Word document, whisper sweet nothings at it
while defecating all over the keyboard. Yes, football’s back (if you don’t
count the Women’s World Cup, Europa and Champs league preliminaries, Scottish
football and various U19, U21 and U23 tournaments all shown on cable). Yay,
football is baaaaack...
Manchester City:
Two points. Firstly, this lad Rodri they’ve bought. In 9 months football
pundits will look at you in disgust if you mention Rodri and Fernandinho in the
same sentence; the Spanish lad will be revered, you watch. Secondly, if Phil
Foden is as good as Pep reckons... Let’s put it this way, I don’t think
Liverpool will have as good a season as they did last year; I do think Citeh
will, possibly even improving by a fraction or two. Strength up and down the
team, the only person not unduly worried by the seeming lack of central
defenders is the manager – speaks volumes that. 1st
Tottenham: I have
this feeling, now that Daniel Levy has spent some money, that this could be a
big improvement on last season, which is needed as it felt a little like the
end of an era at times. The new guys – Tanguy Ndombele, Ryan Sessignon and
Giovanni Lo Celso all have potential for bigger and better things and with
barely anyone leaving of note, Spurs can at least enter the season with a far
bigger squad able to contend with injuries. I expect fewer defeats, more
commanding displays and a closer gap between them and the two above them. I
expect Eriksen will go by the end of the European transfer window, but if he
doesn’t he needs to knuckle down and treat every game like a game he’s up for
because he disappears far too quickly and can often win games, but more often
appears to be carried. I would like to see Spurs win something, but to do that
now needs more investment than sheer luck, but win something, install a
‘winning mentality’ and they could well push on. The stadium, sponsorship and
all manner of deals done outside of football suggests the team is ready to
properly join the top 4 club, that means winning something; usually something
big – probably not this season. 2nd
Liverpool: Will
still be there or thereabouts, but more likely the latter. A few teams will
start to work out how this side play and there’s going to be a complacency
problem at times, oh and the exhaustion of having to play up to 67 games
between the Community Shield and possibly an attempt at retaining their
Champions League trophy. That is pretty much two games a week. There is also
going to be pressure to take the lesser cups more seriously; I don’t know who
from, probably journalists, but I think momentum thru progression is expected
and I feel, ultimately, it might be another nearly season. 3rd
Arsenal: It must
have been extremely perplexing to Spurs fans to see Arsenal so busy in the
transfer window and them only playing Thursday Night Football in Europe – but
an overhaul was probably, like Spurs, long overdue. I really believe Emery’s
task this year is to return to Wenger ways – top 4 at all cost. It’s
uninspiring and a little defeatist and I wonder what Arsenal fans must think of
a club that appears to treat top 4 as a trophy, of sorts. Let’s face it, at the
moment you’re going to have to be very good to take on Man City and Arsenal are
still rebuilding and some way behind Liverpool and their rivals Spurs. I find
it weird that I should be urging Arse fans to accept it has to be baby steps to
begin with. That said, they’re going to emerge from the pack this season not
based on inspiring football, but because everyone around them is heading for a
season of crisis. 4th
Chelsea: For
Frank Lampard going to one of his
clubs so soon in his managerial career means one thing: succeed, or fail:
quicker, more miserably than any other manager and seriously curtail your
career. I’m sure he’s not short of a few bob, but Chelsea are that Football
Manager Players’ dream/nightmare: having to play with the team you signed up
for and not being able to do any transfers. I think he’ll have moments; Roman
will stay calm and eventually, like last season they’ll end up in a position
that looked unlikely for most of the season. I think, providing it doesn’t all
go tits up quickly, he’ll be given some time. Maybe Chelsea fancy creating the
next Pep? 5th
Manchester United:
Which brings us to the third club that’s going to have a crisis on the pitch:
in Man Utd’s case it will be similar to Ole’s first season; great start and
then players were found wanting and ones who got reprieved from this season’s
cull will be in line next. They will still be thereabouts and might even win a
cup, just to remind everyone that while they’re not the best team in
Manchester, they’re still better than most of the others. As for Paul Pogba;
I’m really sure he brings something to the game, but in the four or five times
I saw Man Utd play last season, he was less effective than Charlie Adam. 6th
Everton: Let’s
face it, like Spurs wanting to finish about Arsenal, before anything else;
Everton would like to be alpha males again and this season has to be the first
signs of evidence they’re heading for that region. I’m not sure what they’d do
if this season doesn’t see an improvement or even if they can do it? Spurs are
only in that elite group by gatecrashing the party with some great football,
even if they once didn’t splash the cash. The Toffees are at that stage and have
been at for what seems like forever. Lots more expectation than hope in their
fans’ camp but a general feeling of not knowing how they can break the top 6.
This season it’s about beating Wolves and Leicester into 7th and I
think they’ve done enough to make people think they might stand a chance, they
need a good start and have completely revamped their team, so I’m not convinced
they’ll hit the ground running, but I think they have enough. 7th
Wolves: Despite
an excursion into Europa League mayhem, I don’t think that will be too much of
a problem for Wolves and it could be believed they’d think a top six position
was more than capable and not be happy without one. Outside the top 6 is all
they’re capable of at the moment. In 2020 football, 7th is almost a
new 1st, because it gives the best team in the rest of a chance to
feel better about themselves and it occasionally allows the team to have less
holiday so they can play in the Faroe Islands in July while all their mates, at
other clubs, are still on the beach sending you pictures of their arses. This
is as far as Wolves can progress without an oligarch, Arab or insane American
prepared to throw a billion at the club. 8th
Leicester: would
like to finish 7th as, logically, it’s as good as it’s ever going to
get after the euphoria of winning the league. I think this season it’s simply
going to be a case of they could be heading for the potential of becoming the
new Everton, which given how close the teams are, sounds really like damning
with faint praise. 3-2-1’s Brendan Rogers has a lot on his plate trying to
convince richer clubs he deserves another crack at the big time and taking on a
team like the Foxes proves he’s got a couple of big sweaty balls. 9th
West Ham: are
scum and I should hate them. I mean, we have a rivalry with our rivals;
someone, somewhere seems to have invented this rivalry between Spurs and the
Hammers. First I’d heard of it was a few years ago and I’m not against wishing
them well; far more than Arsenal or Chelsea and because the wife supports them.
They have a good manager, who like Woy Hodgson won’t let you down until he does.
They’ve spent money again: often West Ham transfer windows look like a kid
playing Football Manager. Ooh, he looks good. Buy him. The problem now is, are
there any teams outside the top six you can see going on an unbeaten run for
ten or fifteen matches? This lot are scum and I should hate them. 10th
Watford: in the
current scheme of things, this lot are probably the last of the obvious choices
to play in the little mini-league between 7th and 12th.
The Italian owners do have ambitions for this club, they simply don’t have the
money to ensure those ambitions are anything other than token. Watford often
feel like they should be a team I should like, because of it being in
Hertfordshire, but they’ve often just been one of the teams making up the
numbers, much like they are now. 11th
Burnley: are
probably never going to recreate their form of a few years ago, which saw them
qualify for Europe, that go horribly wrong and have a massive impact on the subsequent
league season. I’m not sure fans of middling Premier League teams want to cut
short their summer holidays to watch Burnley versus HB Torshavn. Sean Dyke
lives near Northampton; I always thought he sounded like he was local to me...
Imagine him wearing a pink leotard, carpet slippers and nipple clamps, it makes
knowing Burnley are staying in the EPL a little less painful. 12th
Crystal Palace:
essentially what I wrote for Watford but with more speech impediments and the
letter W. 7-12th is a success, of sorts, for owners and keeps the
price reasonable should they decide to pass the baton on to another mug who
doesn’t realise the club has no heritage and isn’t really even in London.
They’ll win the race to avoid relegation by March. 13th
Southampton: Joe
90’s evil Austrian twin will get bragging rights and permission to wear the
glasses this year. Evil Austrian Twin might realise the actual chances of
Southampton bucking the growing trend (of big clubs and also rans) and wonder
what it’s like to manage a club with more prospects than EPL stability. Saints
want top 4, Ralf can say ‘there’s a four in where we finished’. Saints fans
should be holding street parties, in streets. Something else. Blah blah blah.
14th
Aston Villa: I
kind of think this could be one of the one or two glaring errors or unexpected
survival stories of the season, or something that involves words, in some kind
of order. Are Villa this year’s Fulham (as in they’ve replaced the entire team
with people you’ve never heard of like a pot head in a sweet shop)? Has the
club spunked too much of its junk on a load of shite? Would 15th be
regarded as some kind of success? No? Okay. 15th
Bournemouth: I
think Bournemouth are better than we think and I really like their manager, Joe
90 [Put a pair of NHS specs on him, shut your eyes and you’re almost there] The
thing about this team is they actually look quite comfortable in the Premier
League and have almost reached the position where people who still remember
Bradford Park Avenue being a league team are even getting used to them being
where they are rather than with Ted MacDougal and his 4th Division goal
scoring feats... That said, there will probably only be four teams below them.
16th
Norwich: Delia
crying tears of gravy. Gingerbread men swooping off the terraces of Carrow
Road. Mustard gas used on innocent Stewart White. Yes. Yes. Yes yes and just
about, missus. 17th
Newcastle: ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha 18th
Brighton: It was
a toss-up between this lot and the lot I went with for bottom and I obviously
don’t follow this lot, but when they got rid of Antony Knockaert, I kind of
wondered if I’d missed something about football as he was pretty much
Brighton’s most inventive and dangerous player last year and therefore, based
on that knowledge that I have, I reckon this lot will be this season’s
Huddersfield, but not as bad. 19th
Sheffield United:
I had a brief flirtation with the Blades in the early 1970s. I was
disillusioned supporting Spurs and the Blades had got promoted, were briefly at
the top of the league and [players names from then] was or were [something] etc
etc etc. Blah blah blah valiant performances. Blah blah blah great supporters.
Blah blah blah fans singing ‘can we play you every week’ to Spurs when they
record their only wins of the season, twice in the league and in both cups.
Mauricio Pochettino said, “Thank fuck they didn’t play in the Champions
League.” 20th
FA CUP: Man City
League Cup: Man City
The EFL Vanarama Rumbelows Johnstone’s Paint Trophy: Man
City U21s
Champions League: Man City
Europa League: Wolves
Championship Winners: Derby
Cobblers to finish 9th (or maybe 19th)
Over the Roger for the weather in his own unique way...
Arsenal - 3rd
The expensive winger will be absorbed into the Arsenal murk
of big wins followed by inexplicable losses. Top sometime in November, followed
by the inevitable wobble. They're an odd bunch, the Gooners. Will sleepwalk
into 3rd, given Chelsea's transfer woes, Spuds stingyness, and Utd's
ordinariness. A hundred miles off 2nd, mind.
Aston Villa - 16th
It's good to see The Villans back in the top flight, and it
resurrects the most played top flight fixture too. The only promoted side to
borrow and spend heavily against the Prem TV money, will their scattergun
transfer policy/gamble pay off? As an Everton fan I know only too well that
signing everything that moves below the radar of the big hitters rarely works,
but I'll give them the benefit of the doubt. There's no cow in Bovril...
AFC Bournemouth -
15th
All the clubs beginning with B (ignore the AFC affectation,
if you please) will struggle, but Eddie Howe's lot are the best of that bunch
by a decent distance. At some point he'll go to a bigger club, and then the
Cherries will be well and truly pipped, but until then they'll survive by the
width of a deckchair. Where the Bs end up is anyone's guess, but none of them
higher than 15th is my punt. You'd get decent odds for all three Bs getting
relegated.
Brighton - 20th
See Bournemmouth... only much worse. I like Chris Houghton,
but his team are anonymous, and hopeless.
Burnley - 18th
See Brighton... only not quite as bad. Sean Dyche belongs in
the Championship.
Chelsea - 7th
Losing Hazard is so obviously a massive blow for the most
disliked club in London, and combined with a transfer ban means it wil be
difficult if not impossible for Chelsea to improve on last season, especiallly
with a new and unproven manager. Frank Jnr may well do a Solksjaer, and start off
with the speed of John Terry hastily leaving a team mate's wife in a hotel
room, but will The Czar have the guts to sack a fan favourite when he's lost 6
in a row over Xmas? Yes, he will, obviously. #freezouma ;)
Crystal Palace - 13th
Holding on to Zaha, even a disgruntled Zaha is enough to
secure Woy mid twable.
Everton - 6th
Another turbulent summer in the transfer market has seen my
lot have a massive dump of unwanted players - 23 at the last count - left by
the disastrous Koeman/Walsh/Fat Sam era, and make some decent signings, but the
loss of Gueye and Zouma (unlikely we will get him in January now Luis has been
shipped out) may prove critical to our chances of improving on last season.
Moise Kean (with a name like that he had to sign for us, didn't he?) although
only 19 sounds like a great buy, and hopefully a fruitful partnership with DCL
awaits. In my never humble opinion we dodged an £80m-sized bullet by not
landing Zaha, a ridiculous price for an intermittently good player prone to
hissy fits and injury. Iwobi at less than half the price may be bargain of the
summer.
However, it's all very well scoring 15 more goals than last year, but if we let in 15 more, it hardly matters. The position of main defensive midfielder is one where age and experience always have it over youth and enthusiasm, and although 23-year old Jean-Phillipe Gbamin may turn out to be the best defensive midfielder since Roy Keane, a direct Gueye replacement he ain't - yet. No replacement for Zouma means we are light in the CB positions, as I strongly suspect Mina may be a walking sicknote, and the cover is no great shakes. I may be completely wrong - it's been known to happen!
Hopefully it all works out and we edge past a faltering Chelski on goal differnce for 6th. Mind you, as we all know, it's the hope that kills you.
#freezouma
However, it's all very well scoring 15 more goals than last year, but if we let in 15 more, it hardly matters. The position of main defensive midfielder is one where age and experience always have it over youth and enthusiasm, and although 23-year old Jean-Phillipe Gbamin may turn out to be the best defensive midfielder since Roy Keane, a direct Gueye replacement he ain't - yet. No replacement for Zouma means we are light in the CB positions, as I strongly suspect Mina may be a walking sicknote, and the cover is no great shakes. I may be completely wrong - it's been known to happen!
Hopefully it all works out and we edge past a faltering Chelski on goal differnce for 6th. Mind you, as we all know, it's the hope that kills you.
#freezouma
Leicester City - 10th
A mini league with Watford and West Ham is not won by the
Foxes, despite Brenda's Scottish canniness. Although Maguire is an overrated
lummox, they'll still miss him, with no obvious replacement bought. Otherwise,
meh...
Liverpool - 2nd
Runners up again despite not splashing any cash. Salah will
be found out by VAR, Klopp off to Spain, or the mental health ward. We can but
dream. It will be another close one, but not as close as last year.
Manchester City - 1st
You can't really bet against them. About the only thing that
will stop them winning the PL, and by more than they did last time, too, is if
they get to the semis and beyond in the Champion's League. Then, Pep's focus
may well change. Expect some more bizarre cardigan wear in the winter from the
winningly personable Spaniard.
Manchester Utd - 4th
How long Gunner Graham lasts in the job is open to question,
but I suspect that they'll grind out a few results, and Pogba will win a few
singlehanded before sulking for a few games. Harry Maguire £80m?! Really?
Solksjaer will keep his job as they finish 4th, a result of falling morale in
the Spuds camp when the players find out that Levy is charging them £10 an hour
to park at the training ground.
Newcastle Utd - 17th
Broocie Rubberface gone by Xmas, turmoil, cue mucho Geordie
wailing, moaning (a lot of moaning), and gnashing of teeth. Saved on the last
day of the season by an own goal off Jordan Henderson's arse that secures them
the one point needed to stay up. Mike Ashley is burnt at the stake after the
game. There's a lot of fat, he burns for a loooong time.
Norwich City - 19th
Narch are back! And straight down!
Sheffield Utd - 14th
Chris Wilder is a very good coach, and may well do a Moyes
and get the Blades punching above their weight enough to stay up. 14th is a bit
of a gamble, but why not?
Southampton - 12th
I have no idea what to say about Southampton, so I'll say
nowt. Midtable obscurity beckons, again.
Tottenham Hotspur -
5th
Still the second best name for a football team in the
country, after Accrington Stanley, of course. Remember those close seasons not
so long ago when Spuds were associated with any player that so much as looked
at his agent, and then they ended up buying only two? These days Spuds are
probably the last club to be associated with anyone, and yet another transfer
window slams shut on Daniel Levy's titanium reinforced wallet, which was
suffering the trauma of having shelled out a club record fee of three shekels
plus the club goat on a defensive midfielder/fluffer for the Potch. Didn't they
land another midfielder on deadline day? If so, that's two more players than
last year, so, progress. Or... stagnation, which means decline, so 5th, with an
exodus of the manager and Harry Kane by this time next year. You read it here
first - well, that's if my bit goes before Phil's. [It doesn’t]
Watford - 9th
Can last season's dizzy heights be maintained? Very
possibly, given the generally poor quality of all the remaining bottom half
teams from last season, plus those promoted from the Championship.
West Ham Utd - 11th
The energy vampire that is the London Stadium will hold back
the Hammers by at least 2 places from where they should be.
Wolverhampton
Wanderers - 8th
There will be very little between 6th, 7th and 8th, and
Wolves will only finish bottom of that mini league due to being up and down
like the Prime Minister's trousers at an interns' indictment session, as a
result of playing in the Thursday Night League, a poisoned chalice unless you
have a huge squad. I hope. I like the manager's beard.
FA Cup: Not Everton
League Cup: Not Everton
The EFL Vanarama Rumbelows Johnstone’s Paint Trophy: Not
Everton U21s
Champions League: Definitely Not Everton
Europa League: Not Everton
Championship Winners: Not Everton
Enjoy the football, someone has to.
